


Evidence

by MsWinghead



Series: Cap-IM BB 2020 [1]
Category: Marvel 616
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Tony Stark, But everyone came back to life, Captain America/Iron man Big Bang 2020, Civil War (Marvel), Civil War Fix-It, Civil War: Casualties of War (Marvel), Comforting Steve Rogers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Forgiveness, Getting Together, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt Tony Stark, Love Confessions, M/M, Memory Loss, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Character Death, Post-Civil War (Marvel), Steve Rogers Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Top Steve Rogers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:39:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27803173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsWinghead/pseuds/MsWinghead
Summary: Steve Rogers was back from the dead. And Tony Stark, amnesiac after erasing his memory after the Civil War, had to confirm the truth with his own eyes, even at a distance, because, as far as he knew, Steve died hating him. He just didn’t expect to be discovered and invited for a cup of coffee in the middle of the night by Steve. What was he planning? Would Tony’s heart be able to stand so close to him again, knowing everything that had happened between them, knowing everything Tony felt? Tony decided it was worth it to trust Steve and accept the invitation. What worse could happen? He had already lost everything. After all, it wasn’t like Tony was going to reveal all of his most intimate secrets, the ones that even Steve hadn’t been able to discover, right? Leaving all the armor outside, both real and emotional, Tony entered the apartment, not knowing that that night would change everything, for both of them, again.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: Cap-IM BB 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2081913
Comments: 19
Kudos: 100
Collections: 2020 Captain America/Iron Man Big Bang





	Evidence

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is the result of a lot of courage. This is my first Big Bang and it is also my first big event within this fandom that brings me great happiness. It is also the ending I always wanted to see for my favorite Steve and Tony story. It was with Civil War that I came to love them and think that they made a lot more sense together than apart.
> 
> I had the honor of working together with [Jay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jayjayverse/pseuds/jayjayverse), who is an incredible artist, extremely talented and kind, who made me very comfortable in my first challenge. Thank you, Jay, for bringing one of the most special moments in this story to life. I still can't help but be moved every time I see it. You guys can check her amazing work and show the love her deserves [here](https://jayjayverse.tumblr.com/day/2020/11/30/).
> 
> Thanks to Soupie, for being the best beta reader someone could ever want. You turned the experience into something incredible. And thanks to [AvengersNewB](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvengersNewB/pseuds/AvengersNewB) for being such a nice person always with some word of encouragement.
> 
> And last but not least, thank you to the mods of this beautiful event, for the opportunity to meet such incredible people and give the world more stevetony.
> 
> Well, and now, here's my attempt to fill in the gaps left by the Civil War, after Tony lost his memory and Steve came back from the dead.

**CHAPTER 1**  
**Denial**

Steve Rogers was back.

It was a miracle. Steve had died that day on the steps on his way to the courthouse, when Steve would be tried for the crimes he committed, during what became known as the Civil War of the superhero community, after approval of the Superhuman Registration Act. Of course, the trial never happened, because Steve was shot and killed with four shots before they even finished climbing those infinite steps. He died like a hero, trying to save the policemen and guards who made his escort, believing that the sniper shot could hit them. Typical of Steve. To sacrifice himself for people he didn’t even know. Imagine what he was able to do for those he considered his friends?

Looking at it like that, it seems that Tony was there that day, witnessing everything up close, in order to remember so many details. Unfortunately, that day, he was being too stupid, too arrogant, too stubborn and too afraid to leave the SHIELD helicarrier to face his friend. No. Scratch that. To face his ex-friend on his way to his trial for treason. At that time, Tony was becoming familiar with the position of director of SHIELD and being too cool as the leader of the winning side to bother to go to the trial. Besides, it would be too much cowardice to rub his victory in Steve’s face at a time like that, right?

But Tony always knew that he should have been there.

Maybe he could have stopped the shots. Maybe he could have seen where the sniper was positioned. Perhaps he could have been able to predict that something like that would happen. Perhaps he could have thought about improving security. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps. Maybe he shouldn’t have supported the Law. Maybe he could have asked Steve to talk before everything was blown apart. Maybe they could have reached an agreement. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Still, Tony didn’t know all those details because he watched the news broadcasting everything live, including his former friend being shot. No. He knows all the details because he watched the recordings of that day, from all the cameras available to him, from all angles, for several hours and days, exhaustively. Tony knew how to recite by heart the seconds in which each action had taken place. From everything he lost when his memory was erased, to prevent Norman Osborn from putting his disgusting hands on the records of the infamous Registration Act, which were, ironically, all in Tony’s brain, from every detail, of all the details, this piece, Steve's death because of that stupid fight, was what he made a point of re-recording.

The reason?

The same reason that his self from some time ago confessed to Steve’s body after those shots on the stairway, when Tony asked for some time alone with him back at the helicarrier: it hadn’t been worth it. If the cost of defending an idea was to lose his best friend, the person Tony most admired and loved in this and all worlds, then he was not willing to pay. And he wanted to make sure it never happened again. Never.  
Especially now that the most surreal and incredible news, and an answer to Tony’s most secret prayers, had reached him. Steve Rogers was alive. He was back, walking between us. And Tony needed to see it for himself.

So Tony was now hiding in the shadows of a chimney, wearing his stealth armor, camouflaging himself in the dark, in the building across from Steve’s in Brooklyn, waiting. It was snowing, but who cares for some snow when the possibilities are so incredible? No lights had been turned on; no movement had been detected. Everything was extremely quiet on that quiet street. Tony was beginning to think that the news was, in fact, rumors, and that espionage was a beautiful waste of time. It wasn’t.

After almost two hours of vigil in the dark, Tony was rewarded with a person walking out of the building, straight onto the roof, not caring about the snow covering everything, and walking slowly to the edge, with his hands in his pockets, head down, thoughtful. The person rested his hands on the rail and raised his head, causing Tony to choke. It was really him. There he was, his friend, the person without whom his life was incomplete and, most importantly: he was alive and really breathing. Steve Rogers was there, in the building across the street.

Tony’s entire body lit up, reacting to the vision, and he felt a smile spread across his face and found himself watching the gleam in his eyes on the armor’s hub. His body moved, coming out from behind the chimney and taking a step, instinctively. But, then, Tony stopped. As if someone was holding him by the collar, he was unable to move. He was so close, why couldn’t he take that leap and reveal himself to Steve? Why couldn’t he show his face and his smile of extreme happiness to see his best friend alive again? _Why?_ Tony tried again to step out of the shadows and say something, anything, make any sound so that Steve knew he was there, but he couldn’t.

And deep down, he knew why.

He knew he was making a mistake by thinking that just showing up would solve everything. That a simple smile of relief and gratitude and… _something else_ , would be enough for Steve to forget everything they had lived. Tony didn’t remember anything. Everything he remembered had been told to him. He didn’t remember what he had felt when he and Steve last met. He didn’t even remember his last thought when they last spoke. Tony didn’t remember when Steve had smiled at him the last time, or when they had fought together for the same cause the last time. Tony didn’t even remember what he felt when he last saw Steve. And that ate him alive. All his memories were second-hand, borrowed from people who didn't delete their own memories in a last attempt at redemption. In one last attempt to make Steve proud.  
But what about Steve? How much did he remember since he was … since he died? Did he remember all the conversations, all the struggles, all the lies that seemed to be true? Did he remember every feeling, every pain, every betrayal, every stab? Did he still remember Tony?

Did he still _want_ to remember Tony?

Tony knew how much damage the Registration Act and the Civil War had left behind. Steve’s death, his memory loss and Norman Osborn taking control of SHIELD were the prime examples of all that. Tony wasn’t an idiot. Losing his recent memory didn’t make him a stupid. He was still a genius who knew all that was at stake with that weird-haired lunatic in power, but he just couldn’t think of any of that.  
He could only think of that man on the roof of the building in front, who was thoughtful, looking at the stars, his face placid, his eyes shining, his golden hair almost white in the moonlight, and his lower lip accentuated forward. Steve looked so innocent there, but so lonely. Someone who had just been resurrected, after more than a year dead, must have been celebrating with many friends. But there he was, alone, lit by the moon, like a spotlight exclusive to him, accentuating the trait of Steve’s life that always hurt Tony the most: his inability to really fit. He never really looked happy, and Tony knew that because he was able to recognize Steve’s different types of humor. And genuinely happy was the rarest and most beautiful of them all.

Tony really wanted to be able to know if he was still welcome to get Steve’s real smiles out, but his heart sank when he thought about everything they had not so long ago, everything they said Tony said to Steve and everything Steve said to Tony. It wasn’t pretty. They didn’t end it as friends. Not even as colleagues. They ended that War as enemies who hated each other, who managed to get the worst out of each other.

_Because we have always known each other’s weaknesses._  
_Because he always knew what my weaknesses were._  
_Because he is my weakness._

Tony sighed. That War would never have come this far if they hadn’t taken sides. If both had moved away, perhaps things would have worked out differently. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.  
Tony looked again at Steve across the street, on the roof. He was now leaning on the rail, on his forearms, looking straight ahead without really seeing. Tony wanted so badly to reach him, to get close to his friend, to say that, even if he didn’t remember, he was sorry. That he wanted Steve in his life. He _needed it._

 _But does Steve need_ me?

The thought hurt. Imagining his life without Steve, with him dead, knowing he would never return, was one thing. Tony would suffer, but eventually he would learn to deal with pain and longing. But imagining his life with Steve alive, but ignoring him completely, despising him, never wanting to get close to Tony again after everything that happened? Tony couldn’t take it.  
His vision blurred and Tony blinked, trying to clear his focus and his hot, wet eyes. He was crying. The mere prospect of Steve out Tony’s life was so unbearable, that hurt too much. Tony instinctively raised his hand to wipe away the tears, but remembered at the last moment that he was inside the armor, that the effort was useless. He needed to get out of there. Give Steve the privacy he deserved. Tony turned and prepared to take off. And he almost tripped over himself when he heard it. 

“Are you there, Tony?”

Tony froze in place. Panicking, he looked at his hands and then checked the status of the armor on the display. Everything was in order; he was practically invisible. Still, very slowly, he turned back toward Steve’s building and there he was, looking in the direction Tony was in, missing by a few inches. Tony turned up the volume of the external sounds to accurately capture everything Steve said, but left his own speaker on mute. He still wasn’t sure what was going on there.

“Come on, Tony, show up,” Steve straightened up, but his face was still calm, his features even and without a trace of anger. And his voice was neutral, without a tone of bitterness or urgency.

Still, Tony remained silent.

“Okay,” Steve shrugged. “Don’t you want to show up? No need.” He put his hands in the front pockets of his pants. “But know that I know you’re out there. And I know you can hear me.”

 _How?_ , was what Tony wanted to ask, but he was too moved. Steve was alive and was talking to him. Hearing his voice again, in person, and not on a recording, was like an extracorporeal experience. Tony felt out of orbit. He waited so long to hear Steve again, and now that he finally had the chance, all he could do was hide in his invisible armor and cry. Steve was saying Tony’s name out loud again. It was almost too much to take.

“I just wanted to let you know that I was going to reach you,” Steve continued, speaking into the night. If someone passed by there, they could find two things from that scene: Steve was crazy or he was Romeo swearing to Juliet by the moon. Tony tried to laugh at his own ridiculous joke, but only managed to sob. Steve was going to try to talk to him. He was. Tony tried to blink to get the tears out of his eyes. He wanted to see Steve, in addition to just hearing him. “But, you know, Tony, everything has been so crazy since I … well, since I _came back_ , that I couldn’t do it.” Steve put his hand behind his head and scratched the back of it, as if he were suddenly uncomfortable. He sighed, looked up, and looked again a few inches to the left of where Tony really was. “We need to talk.”

Tony swallowed. He remembered everything, then. Well, Tony was never good at hoping. He was never the optimist. That role has always been Steve’s. Tony snorted.

“Look, Tony,” Steve continued. “I just want you to know that you can _really_ show up when you want to. You don’t have to wait for me to call or, I don’t know, be scared or anything.” Tony zoomed in on Steve’s face and, wow, Tony was surprised by the expectation there. Steve really expected Tony to reveal himself. Steve knew that Tony was scared. Damn, he knew Tony too well. Did he know about Tony’s memory loss? But Tony just couldn’t move to get even an inch closer to Steve. He wanted, his heart wanted, but his brain kept reminiscing about their recent history and Tony just stood there, unable to say anything, to do anything but cry, frustrated, because life was unfair. Steve wanted Tony to go there. It was that simple.

But in the end, it wasn’t.

“I think that’s it, then,” Steve said at last, when it became clear that Tony would remain hidden and silent. Steve’s face changed. His eyes fell, sad and disappointed, his mouth curved down and he stepped away from the roof rail. “Maybe next time, right?” Tony saw that he tried to smile, but failed. And with that painful scene to see, Steve turned and went into his apartment, leaving Tony alone again.

Tony allowed himself to sob loudly. Why? _Why?_ It was everything he wanted the most. Steve invited him, without anger, without harsh words, just an invitation. And Tony couldn’t do it. He stared at where Steve had been, the marks of his arms where he leaned against the rail, still visible in the snow.  
And there, alone again, as if everything that had just happened was just a dream too good to be lived, as if Tony had refused the best of the prizes, he prepared to go home.

“I’m sorry, Steve.”

And Tony Stark tore the New York sky, invisible to anyone who looked.

**o0o**

**CHAPTER 2**  
**Anger**

Tony swore to himself that he would leave Steve alone, that he would wait until he tried to get in touch. Tony told himself, returning from Steve’s apartment the night before weeping, like a helpless child, that he wouldn’t do anything like that again.

But his oath incredibly lasted for a day.

As soon as he got in the Stark Tower at the end of another workday at Stark Resilient, a day that passed by him without him even remembering what he had done, and that he allowed himself to take a shower, his feet didn’t take him to bed or to the kitchen. He found himself walking straight to the lab and wearing the stealth armor once again.  
This time, when the repulsors started, he didn’t hesitate for a second.

A few minutes later, there was Tony Stark perched behind the chimney on the top of the building in front of Steve’s apartment, hidden in the shadows, waiting. He was fully aware that it was disturbing, but he was unable to return home. He had to see Steve again. Tony needed to see for himself that Steve was fine, that he didn’t need anything. He needed to be sure that Steve had someone watching over him, _taking care of_ him, even if at a distance and that that person happened to be someone who had gone to war with you, told you several lies, manipulated you, tried to kill you and, in the end, lost all memory about it trying to save what’s left of the friendship between you. An unsolicited and not well-liked guardian angel.

Tony sighed. He never realized that he really had a masochistic side, but apparently Steve had the power to awaken all of the dark and unexplored sides that Tony had. For the good and for the bad.

Tony was taken out of his daydreams by an alert message flashing on his display, warning of someone approaching. When he looked to see who it was, his heart filled and Tony found himself smiling. Steve was on the roof again, like the night before, still looking calm, peaceful, but something about him didn’t feel right. Tony zoomed over Steve’s face and felt his chest tighten. Steve had a melancholic look in his eyes, which he rarely allowed himself to have, after all, the great and powerful leader of the Avengers can’t show weaknesses. But there, alone on the roof of his apartment, on a cold and empty night, Steve allowed himself to let all those repressed feelings arise and Tony fought the urge to go there and hug him until nothing worse was left. Steve walked to the outside wall of the apartment on the roof, spread a blanket on the snow-covered floor, sat down and leaned his head against the brick wall behind him to look at the misty sky, with the overcast moon, appearing here and there. Tony saw him sigh.

“It’s amazing how one experience can put all others in perspective,” Steve suddenly said, without looking in any specific direction, and Tony found himself freezing in place, afraid that not even his armor’s camouflage would be able to cover him up there. “On any other day, some time ago, I would’ve said that the night could be better, with less clouds in the sky, to be able to see the moon,” Steve continued in a soft, almost dreamy voice. “But now, after everything that happened, I just feel grateful to be here and to be able to see the sky exactly as it is.”

Tony didn’t know what to think. His brain flew, millions of thoughts at the same time, trying to fit into coherent reasoning. Steve was talking about what? Was he talking about the Civil War? Or was he talking about something else that Tony wasn’t told and that he should know? _I hate not having my memory._ Or was Steve talking about something Tony hadn’t seen, so he didn’t even have to worry? _How stupid_ , Tony snorted at his own thoughts. Of course, he needed to worry about Steve. Steve seemed to be strong, unstoppable, always ready for anything, but the truth was that he needed a port to return to, a north to guide him. Tony knew that. He knew that Steve was needing to establish himself at that moment, because something had taken from him everything that Steve was sure of. Tony just wasn’t sure how to help, or what Steve’s words meant.

“I could draw it all, you know?” Steve kept talking. “This pale and dull night, with nothing exciting going on. I know that most people would find this night boring. Apathetic.” Steve lowered his head and his gaze locked directly across the street, on the roof of the building opposite, the one with the chimney, right where Tony was trying to hide in the shadows. The display, was still with the zoom on Steve’s eyes before Tony could adjust his lenses and the view was breathtaking. Two blue circles, bright and alive, staring at him, seeing inside Tony, reading his thoughts, knowing his location, knowing his fear. Those eyes knew the way to Tony’s soul. They always knew, long before everything fell apart. They knew how to read every bit of Tony, every half-hearted smile, every half-truth, every joke made because he felt uncomfortable, every sincere conversation, every feeling. Well, maybe not all of them. Tony may have been able to hide a feeling, keep just a little bit of his own self to himself, a piece that Steve never managed to reach. And maybe that way was better for everyone. Especially for them. Steve blinked and Tony adjusted the lenses, framing his face again. Steve had one side of his mouth slightly pulled up, almost a smile, but still not sure if he could really let it out. “But most people are sleeping. So, what do they know about this night, am I right, Tony?”

Tony was taken by surprise. He was so distracted by Steve’s eyes that he let his guard down and stopped paying attention to what he was saying. It wasn’t possible for Steve to know that Tony was there. The armor made him invisible, even more hidden in the shadows as he was. Steve was bluffing. He couldn’t, he _couldn’t know_ , that Tony was there.

“I know you’re there,” Steve said, still in a low voice, as if to prove that he knew Tony had the means to listen to him. “And you’re dying to know how I know,” and the jackass smirked, knowing exactly what Tony was thinking. _How can he know?_ “You know, Tony,” Steve said, getting up and walking over to the roof rail. “We’ve both been through a lot lately, together and apart. I know I wasn’t told everything I’d like to know. And I’m pretty sure they didn’t tell you that much, either,” Steve stuffed his hands in the front pockets of his pants and shrugged. It had started to snow. “So why don’t you do us a favor and come over here? I don’t want to and I’m not going to fight with you, Tony. I don’t know what they told you, but I know what you’re thinking now, and that’s not it. I just…” Steve sighed and the air condensed in front of him. “I just wanted to see you.”

Tony’s heart squeezed and expanded, all at the same time with butterflies that found some opening in the armor and reached his stomach. _Steve wants to see me._ He doesn’t want to fight. _He wants to see me._ Tony felt himself warm from head to toe and an impertinent smile broke across his face. _He. Wants. To See. Me._

“Take your time,” Steve said from the roof. “I’m going to go in and have something hot. When you decide, the door will be open and there will be a cup waiting for you inside,” he turned and went back into the apartment, but Tony’s sensors indicated that the door really was unlocked.

Tony was breathing fast, his heart was pounding in his ears, and he felt dizzy. Steve said he wanted to see Tony. That was good, right? But he hadn’t left Tony much of a choice. _“When you decide ...”_ It wasn’t a question of _whether_ or not Tony would decide to come in to see and talk to Steve, but when. And Steve would wait, because that was what he did. Steve was waiting for Tony. It has always been like that. _Okay, I’ll go over there and get in. And then what?_ The afterwards scared him more than turning on the armor and leaving the hiding place. What would he say? Would he start by saying something or would Steve speak first? What would Steve say? Would Tony get hurt, no matter what? Was he prepared to take more pain? _From anyone else, yes. Not from him._

Tony couldn’t move. The shadows of that chimney were now his fortress and he wasn’t ready to go out and face the dragon, even if the dragon was the one that Tony had wanted to see the most in recent months. _I need to get in. He’s waiting for me._ The worst that could happen was Tony leaving that night with one less friend. For the third time. It would be a record. _I like to beat my own records._ Tony activated the armor’s repulsors and, with a graceful leap, crossed the distance between the buildings. He stepped out of the armor and left it outside, as a sign that he, as well, hadn’t come to fight. And even if Steve wanted to, he had the right and necessary force, especially against Tony off the armor.

Taking a deep breath and letting the freezing air of that night enter his lungs, Tony turned the door handle that gave access to the apartment and entered, feeling the breath of hot air, bringing in the smell of coffee, clean clothes and the soap that Steve used. Tony let himself smell those scents for a second or two before entering the apartment completely and closing the door behind him. _Ok._ Tony took a deep breath. _Honey, I’m home._ He tried to laugh at his own joke, but Tony was too nervous even for that.

Tony walked through a room, with the bed meticulously made, and went down a narrow corridor, until he came to a room that was lit and smelled of coffee: the kitchen, with the living room right next to it. Steve was behind the kitchen island, his back to Tony, preparing several things at the same time. On the island, two steaming cups of coffee placed on opposite sides, facing each other. _Closer than I would have imagined._ Tony still couldn’t get out of the entrance to the room. He was mesmerized. Steve was there, closer than he had been in the past few hours, in the past few months, moving, breathing. _Alive._ When he finally turned around, Tony pulled the air so hard into his lungs that his chest hurt. It was the most beautiful sight Tony had ever seen ... in his life. Perhaps it overcame the day when the Avengers found Steve frozen in the Arctic. They weren’t friends that day, they didn’t know each other as they did now. This was different. Looking at Steve was like looking at the sun after hours in the dark. It hurt and it was glorious. It made Tony’s eyes sting, but he couldn’t look away even if someone forced him.

“Hi, Tony.” Steve smiled without showing his teeth and Tony thought he could melt in a puddle right there. _He is here._ “Come on, your coffee will get cold.” Steve pointed to the cup on the outside of the island and Tony found himself walking over there, as if in a trance. He had no control over his own body. All he saw was Steve looking at him, guiding him to where he wanted Tony to stay.

Tony sat on the high bench that Steve indicated was his place and Steve sat across from him on the other side of the island after placing some cookies between the cups. They were both silent for what seemed like eternity, and all Tony could do was face Steve openly, without any shame.

“Did you find anything interesting that I should know?” Steve asked after a few minutes. His voice was amused.

Tony blinked and felt his face heat up. He looked at his own cup and sipped his coffee. It was delicious. “I’m sorry. It’s just that I still haven’t gotten used to the idea of ...” Tony risked looking at Steve, who was looking back at him, waiting. Tony looked back at his coffee. “I still haven’t gotten used to the idea of having you back.”

“If it comforts you, I haven’t either,” Steve shrugged.

The question danced in Tony’s tongue, but he still wasn’t sure what was going on there, he still didn’t know what ground he was on. This was anything but his comfort zone and he didn’t know how to deal with that strangeness with the person who knew Tony the most in this and any world. So unfair. How to become friends with your best friend again?

“Come on, Tony, ask the questions you want to ask,” Steve said with a half-smile. “I told you, I didn’t ask you here to fight. I want to talk.”

Tony swallowed and took another sip of coffee. _Very well. If he wants to hear my questions, I have lots of them. But first, the most important one at the moment._

“How did you know I was out there?” It was eating Tony alive. He hadn’t many things he was proud of in his life, but his inventions were certainly some exceptions. If one failed, what was the purpose?

Steve laughed through his nose, but tried to hide it. “I saw your footprints in the snow.”

Tony opened his eyes wide, unable to believe that was the answer. _I can’t have been so stupid and careless. Can I?_ “You have got to be kidding me.”

“No.” Steve shook his head. “I’d recognize those footprints even from the moon.”

“I can’t believe it was like that.” Tony shook his head, punching himself mentally for that stupidity.

Steve shrugged. “Don’t judge yourself so hard. It wasn’t a mission or anything.” He suddenly stopped and looked sideways at Tony. “It wasn’t a mission, was it?”

“No.” Tony shook his head, unhappy with his own carelessness. “I came because I wanted to.”

“Oh.” Tony found himself thinking that Steve looked adorable with that surprised expression on his face, especially when he tried to disguise it.

“Thanks for asking me in, by the way,” Tony said, lifting his coffee cup.

“Thanks for accepting.” Steve smiled.

They stared at each other for long seconds, in silence, and for an instant, time seemed to freeze and everything was like before. They were best friends again, Tony could allow all the butterflies in the world to invade his stomach while Steve was around, they could share secrets by the direct line that their minds had with each other, and everything was perfect, nothing wrong was happening or had happened. Tony remembered everything. Steve had always been there, there had never been a war between them.  
Just for a moment.  
But soon reality drifted through the gaps of that precious moment, and Tony found himself again in Steve’s apartment, still without part of his memory, still trying to understand what he was actually doing there, what Steve wanted with him, why they hadn’t started fighting yet. He blew out a heavy breath. He felt tired.

“Talk to me, Tony.”

Tony focused again on Steve’s face, his eyes, and realized that he had so much to ask, so much to say, that he couldn’t decide where to start. _Perhaps by the easiest._

“What happened to you?” it wasn’t the most important question in the ranking of questions that Tony made up in his head for when (if) that moment came. But he still didn’t have the courage to reach the top three. And Steve knew he was stalling. And, God bless him, he pretended it was okay for Tony to dodge what he really wanted to know.

“That day, in court,” Steve began, leaning over the marble island and leaning on his arms. “I was shot -”

“Four bullets,” Tony said quietly, unable to contain himself. Four shots that pierced Tony’s heart every time he watched that day’s footage. He had lost count of how many times he’d been hit by those four shots since returning from his own limbo. And how many times he’d cried until he had no more tears because he couldn’t prevent it from happening.

Steve stopped talking and stared at Tony with wide eyes. “You weren’t there.”

“But I know.”

Steve nodded slightly, his expression unreadable. “So, you should also know that, after those _four shots,_ I apparently died.”

Tony agreed. “There was a funeral for you.”

“I know.” Steve looked at him silently. “But I wasn’t there, was I?”

Tony was taken by surprise. “You heard?”

“Yes.” Steve smiled. “I was told it was your idea.”

Tony swallowed. Of course, it had been his idea. He knew Steve didn’t like big events, especially when he was the reason. Even if the big event in question was his funeral. Tony knew what Steve would have preferred; what Steve would have liked. Also, and that was something Tony would never admit out loud, Tony wanted to say goodbye to Steve _alone_ , where they found him. As if they closed a cycle. Arriving in the Arctic that day, Tony felt himself the most selfish of men, but he just didn’t care. He wanted Steve all to himself, if only for a second, before he never saw his friend again. He wanted to be able to say what he hadn’t achieved during the funeral open to the public. He wanted to say what he had never said to Steve, but he should have. But even there he couldn’t. _Will I ever make it?_

“It was my idea, yes. I-I thought about what you would’ve preferred.” Tony Stark, stuttering, ladies and gentlemen. Enjoy the moment, it doesn’t happen often. Only Steve Rogers has that power.

“Thank you.” Steve smiled that smile that made his eyes narrow, making the corners crinkle. It was sincere.

Tony shrugged. “I just did what you would’ve done for me.”

“You know me.”

 _What do you want from me?_ That was what Tony wanted to shout. That wasn’t possible. Steve remembered everything, right? No one had erased his memory. _He remembered!_ So why that affection? Why that understanding? Why was he being so ... _Steve_ with Tony? Tony really wanted to punch something.

“Yeah, I think so,” was what he ended up saying.

“But, as you may have noticed, funerals don’t keep me on the other side for long,” Steve said, taking a sip of coffee. “After all, I wasn’t, in fact, dead.”

Tony’s brain was short-circuited. “Excuse me? How come you weren’t _really_ dead? I-” _I saw you die._ No. Tony didn’t see Steve die. He wasn’t there. “They shot you, they took tests. You were _buried_!”

“Yes, it all happened, but long story short, only my body died, Tony.” A shiver ran through Tony’s body when he heard his own name being said by Steve. Would he get used to it again? _Have I ever gotten used to it?_ “My conscience was still alive. The problem is, the _right people_ didn’t know that.” Steve looked Tony in the eye and raised an eyebrow. You didn’t have to be an out-of-memory billionaire genius to understand what that meant. Tony’s heart raced.

“Where was your conscience, then?”

“Wandering in my own space-time. I spent all that time reliving the most important moments of my life. Each of them.” Steve made a sad face.

“Reliving?” Tony felt his brain working frantically. “Did you go back in time?”

Steve shook his head. “No. I couldn’t change the past. I tried, but I couldn’t.” Steve looked away. “I could only go through all those events again and again and again, endlessly.”

Tony felt something inside him squirm uncomfortably. Steve had tried to change his past. Had he tried not to be frozen? Had he tried not to be an Avenger? Had he tried to never meet Tony?

“I tried to save Bucky,” Steve said, reading Tony’s thoughts. “But I couldn’t.”

Tony felt his face heat up. Apparently, his musings were too sharp, too easy to understand. “Sorry, I don’t ... You don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to.”

Steve shrugged. “It’s no longer such a problem. It was worse in the first days. I couldn’t sleep, afraid of not waking up anymore, afraid of seeing myself trapped in that infinite again.”

Tony fought the urge to go to the other side and hug him, comfort him, say that everything was fine now, that Steve was at home, that Tony was there with him, that Tony would protect him this time. Having Steve being so honest, sincere and vulnerable did things to Tony’s heart that Tony hadn’t allowed himself to feel for a long time. _Things could go back to normal, couldn’t they?_

“I’m sorry,” Tony said quietly, looking at Steve.

“Thank you. I’m happy to be back,” Steve ate a cookie and was thoughtful as he chewed. “Do you know what I noticed while I was wandering?” Tony shook his head and waited.

“That I wouldn’t change the fact that I ended up here, that I was frozen. I wouldn’t go back there. This is where I should be, where I belong. _This_ is my home.”

Tony opened and closed his mouth several times, unable to articulate what he was feeling. He had to say something wise at that moment, right? Perhaps to say that Steve did the right thing in realizing the obvious, that it was clear as the sunniest day he belonged to that time, to _their_ time, that everyone there needed him, that _Tony_ needed him. No, that would be very selfish. Steve came back because this is simply where he fits in. _But how can he fit in, how can his home be here, if he has no one?_ The Avengers, no matter how good they are, don’t come home with Steve at the end of the day. Bucky, even if he’s back, doesn’t go on missions with Steve as in the old times of their partnership, because now he and Natasha were a pair. How, then, could Steve consider his home there? How could he have wanted to come back? Tony saw his list of questions grow and no real opportunity to ask them. _No, what a lie._ The opportunities were there, he was just afraid of the answers.

“I’m really glad you made it back.” Tony ended up saying, even though it was a silly and generic phrase, that didn’t even begin to express the flood of feelings inside him.

Steve gave a sad little smile, as if he expected something else. “Me too,” he took a sip of coffee and composed himself. “And what happened to _you_?”

Tony swallowed. Certainly, Steve could talk more, couldn’t he? Tony thought about what he could say to postpone that part of the conversation. He wasn’t ready. _Not yet._ “Did you manage to relive the day we found you in the Arctic?”

Steve frowned at the sudden change of subject, but nodded. “Yes. I don’t know how many times, but I know there were many. Enough to analyze it from the most different angles. Why?”

Tony shrugged. “I wish I could relive that day.”

“Really?” Steve leaned over the island towards Tony and he had a curious expression on his face.

Tony nodded. “Yes.”

“And can I know why?”

Tony smiled without showing his teeth as he remembered that day, a memory as clear as if it had happened hours earlier. “Because that’s still the best day of my life,” he looked at Steve. “We had no pretensions at all that day, nothing extraordinary should happen and, suddenly, we found that frozen man who, in the end, ended up being the hero of my childhood and youth,” the two exchanged smiles. “I’ll never stop feeling a secret pride for being the first person you spoke to when you woke up,” Tony fell silent as soon as he realized what he had said. _Too much information, Stark. Too much information._

“Talking to you was like waking up in a dream,” Steve said. “You were still wearing the armor, that old one.”

“With the skates,” Tony supplied.

Steve laughed, and Tony was delighted by the sound. “Yeah, but I still didn’t know. All I saw was golden armor, shiny and spectacular, that spoke to me in a kind way, trying to help me. It was a dream, of course it was. And to think that it took you so long to tell it was you inside there.”

Tony shrugged. “I was afraid.”

“I know. But I wish you had trusted me earlier. I always trusted you, Tony, even when you thought that outside that armor you weren’t someone trustworthy.”

“Despite that, we always managed to find reasons to argue,” Tony said thoughtfully.

Steve snorted. “We only argued because we wanted the same things in different ways. We believed that we knew what was best for the group. Sometimes we were able to find consensus and work together. It was incredible when it happened, remember?”

“I think that’s why Peter began calling us the Avengers’ Mom and Dad,” Tony said, taking a sip of coffee.

Steve smiled. “I never knew who was who.”

Tony looked sideways at him. “I think it’s better for us not to get to the heart of the matter.”

They both laughed and it was good. The sound of the two laughs mixed and Tony was transported to lighter and happier times, when the Avengers shared the Mansion that Tony had donated to the team to serve as their HQ. Those were times that seemed so far away now. So unattainable. So unreal. Tony was afraid that sometimes he was just imagining all those memories, that he had much more than just a part of his memory erased. What if he was imagining those happy times? No. He could never just imagine the laughter and game nights at the Mansion with Steve and the others. That was too precious.

Steve stopped laughing first. “Tony.”

Tony stopped laughing and looked at him on the other side of the island. Steve was serious again and Tony felt a cold chill run through his entire body. But it wasn’t the good kind of shiver. Suddenly, all of Tony’s senses were alert.

“Ask the question you want to ask,” Steve said in a low but steady voice.

Who was Tony trying to deceive? He was in front of the person who knew him best, perhaps more than Tony himself. Steve was fluent in the Tony Stark language. It was impossible to hide things from him for a long time. _Except one. But this one, well, this one will remain hidden._

Tony sighed, admitting defeat. There was no use trying to postpone for much more. “What do you remember from before you died?”

“Everything,” Steve said, without looking away.

Tony swallowed. There it was. So that’s where the hoax ended, isn’t it? Because up to that point they were simply pretending that everything was fine, that they were still friends, that nothing had changed. But everything was different. Everything had been turned upside down. Nothing was as it was before and Steve remembered.

Tony looked at his cup, now empty. “And yet, you asked me to come in.”

“Tony?” Steve called in a neutral, calm voice.

Reluctantly, wanting to keep looking at his cup forever, Tony looked up, meeting Steve’s gaze.

“What do _you_ remember?”

Tony frowned. What question was that? Why was Steve asking that? It didn’t make sense. Everyone knew he didn’t remember everything ... Then a light went on in Tony’s head. _Unless_ he _doesn’t know._ But was it possible? Tony snorted mentally at the absurdity. No, it wasn’t. Someone certainly should’ve already told Steve what had happened to Tony after his death, right? He knew about the funeral; he even knew it had been Tony’s idea. How could he not know about the memory loss? But there was only one way to confirm whether Steve knew or not.

“I remember everything,” Tony watched Steve’s face carefully, not to lose any reaction. Steve looked relieved. Then Tony released the grenade pin. “Up to a week _before_ Stamford.”  


Steve was clearly confused. His eyes darted back and forth across the kitchen island, without focusing on any specific object. He seemed to do the math and tried to put together a timeline that made no sense to him. Tony then had his answer. No, Steve didn’t know about his memory loss and he wasn’t sure which feeling to choose to live that moment. He had several at his disposal. In the end, Tony chose relief with doses of apprehension. It seemed appropriate.

“I don’t understand,” Steve ended up saying.

Tony smirked. “You’re not the only one who has been through a few good times lately.”

“What _exactly_ happened to you?” Steve looked concerned.

Tony took a breath. “Know that everything I’m going to tell you now has also been told to me. I can’t say with one hundred percent certainty that it all happened just like that. But I trust the people who gave me that information.” Tony shrugged.

Steve nodded, hesitant. “Okay.”

“Do you have any more coffee?” Tony asked. “Or something stronger? I don’t know if I’ll be able to tell you all this dry.”

Steve took the two cups, stood up, refilled them with coffee and handed one to Tony, smiling crookedly. “You know I don’t have any alcohol here, Tony.”

Tony snorted, taking the cup. “Damn super serum that took that joy from you.”

Steve laughed softly. “Come on, tell me what happened.”

**o0o**

**CHAPTER 3**  
**Depression**

“Very well.” Tony took a sip of coffee, leaned back on the bench and crossed his arms, without taking his eyes off Steve. Since they had arrived until that moment, the one Tony was so afraid of, what was the reason for not looking Steve in the eye? “Just before you died, I was appointed Director of SHIELD and was in control of the information of the Superhero Registration Act. After all, I thought that if there was someone reliable enough at that moment to have access to that information, it was me. Then, you were killed.” Tony took another sip of coffee. Steve’s expression was neutral, giving away absolutely nothing. “Nobody was expecting that to happen. You were going to trial for treason, most people agreed that you were a criminal. But then, it was as if those shots that hit you had broken an evil spell, and they all came out of the dome inside which they hid during our fight. They remembered who you were. People came to think that perhaps your side in the Civil War wasn’t as wrong as they thought. And then, they remembered about me and what I stood for all that time. People started to _think._ ” Tony gave a sad little smile. “In the middle of it all, we had your funeral and discovered a large-scale Skrull infiltration into Earth, being led by Spider-Woman who, we ended up discovering to be the Skrull Queen infiltrated long ago among us.”

Steve nodded, very seriously. “I heard.”

“If _this_ was one of the first things you heard about when you came back from the dead, then you must imagine what public opinion must have said about what the Director of the largest spy agency in the world should know about it.” Tony frowned. “Everyone blamed me for not knowing that the Skrulls were among us and for letting things escalate to the point where they arrived. Besides, those damn green aliens with the weird chin infected my technology, rendered the Extremis useless, making me practically dead weight during the battle against them. Everyone thought I was helping the enemy when, in fact, I was being sabotaged. Add to that the fact that rumors that I had benefited from the Civil War to get rich spread, and that’s it. You have a witch hunt targeting me.”

“Did the rumors have any basis, Tony?” Steve’s expression was unreadable.

Tony swallowed. But what was the point of hiding things? Steve would find out sooner or later. Let it be through Tony’s mouth, then. “They did,” Tony confirmed and saw Steve close his eyes, disappointed. It hurt. “Apparently, I manipulated some of the Civil War events and the Registration Act to increase the value of my companies’ shares and profit more from all of that. Sometime days before you went to trial, Ben Urich came to my office and told me that he had discovered everything with Peter’s help.”

“And why didn’t that make the front page of newspapers?” Steve asked and Tony cringed when he heard the acidity in his voice. Steve was disappointed. No. Disappointed was an understatement. Steve was hurt, and Tony agreed with him, but he just couldn’t feel the remorse he should have. The memories that were supposed to make that happen weren’t there.

“Well, according to Urich, he didn’t need to publish that information to ruin me because I would ruin myself, after all, apparently, this was what happened to people like me,” Tony said, remembering the conversation he watched between him and Ben Urich, recorded by his office security system. Tony laughed through his nose, but the sound was like a sad moan. “Thinking about it now, I wonder if that wasn’t a dark prophecy.”

Steve was silent, just watching Tony, his face no longer as friendly as before. Tony had screwed everything up, of course. But Steve deserved to know everything. Tony had already lost Steve once, he had some memory missing, and he had no friends. What else did he have to lose? When it became clear that Steve would let him continue, Tony took another sip of coffee and took a breath.

“As you might imagine, if you’re following the timeline, a few days after Urich’s visit to my office, you died. After that, the Skrulls came and, with their defeat, came the distrust in me and the arrival of Norman Osborn on the scene.” Tony sighed, thinking about what it must’ve been like to deal with that maniac. Tony didn’t mind not remembering that. “He was responsible for pulling the trigger on the gun that killed Skrull Queen right in the middle of Central Park, in front of dozens of cameras, which broadcast him on national television as the hero the country needed ... the hero I wasn’t. For all these reasons, he found himself in the position of savior of the world, and took the opportunity to present the government with a plan apparently better than what we had, and introduced himself as someone more _competent_ to the position of Director of SHIELD.” Tony emphasized each word, making quotes in the air. “The government fell for Osborn and accepted the proposal. Thus, I was deposed from the position of Director of SHIELD. But we know that Norman Osborn can’t be trusted because his plans have plans. Nothing is ever what it seems. And this time wasn’t different. He didn’t want to be Director of the largest spy agency in the world simply because the goodness bug stung him and he decided he’d be nice. He had other plans.”

“I heard he created a twisted version of the Avengers,” Steve noted.

“Yeah, there was that,” Tony agreed. “He also dismantled SHIELD and created HAMMER.” Tony chuckled. “The metaphor still makes me laugh. It was there, in everyone’s face, what he intended to exchange the protective shield we had for an offensive and dangerous hammer. But nobody seemed to care. Your death left a very big vacuum in terms of morality and common sense.” Tony looked deep into Steve’s eyes. “You were our compass. Without you, everything has lost its connection.”

Steve cleared his throat, suddenly uncomfortable. Tony saw that he was red and felt his heart heat up. So, he still had the power to make Steve Rogers blush. Well, that was certainly a victory. “You said Osborn had other intentions ...” Steve said, drinking his own coffee.

Tony smirked, noticing the change in subject, but let it go. “Yes, he did. He wanted the Superhuman Records that were being held by SHIELD.” Tony saw Steve’s eyes widen and raised his hands, calming him. “That’s why I said at the beginning that, when I accepted to be Director of SHIELD, I believed that I was the best option at that time for the position. I wouldn’t do anything that shouldn’t be done with those Records. So, before handing over the house keys to Osborn, I deleted the entire SHIELD database that contained the Records, including the backups.” Tony smiled smugly.

Steve blew out audibly. “Thank God, Tony. You worried me,” but he frowned. “But that doesn’t explain why you just remember things that happened over a year ago.”

Tony lowered his cup, which was getting dangerously empty. “I’m already getting there. Well, it obviously didn’t take long for Osborn to realize that SHIELD, now HAMMER, didn’t have the Records he wanted so badly, and there wasn’t a single backup in any corner of this Earth. But then, he reminded us of why we shouldn’t underestimate Norman Osborn,” Tony sighed heavily, thinking that it was from that moment that, in fact, nothing would ever be the same again. “He remembered that there was, indeed, one last backup of the Records.”

Steve was wide-eyed. _“Where?”_

Tony tapped his forehead twice with his fingertips. “In here.”

Steve frowned. “What? How so?”

Tony gave a sad smile. “People don’t call me a genius for nothing, you know? My brain is like a supercomputer. And, after I merged with Extremis, it was as if I upgraded it and had almost infinite information processing and storage capacity. I know that. Norman eventually realized that, too. Then he came after me and I fled the world, with the help of the few allies and friends that I had left after the fiasco that was the end of the Civil War and the invasion of the Skrulls.”

“What happened then?” Steve asked quietly, his voice troubled, any trace of disappointment from before, at the news of Tony’s corruption, gone. Who knew Tony was a good storyteller, even with memories that weren’t even his own anymore?

“Well, then I ran as far as I could, but there’s a limit. I ran out of resources. He cornered me. I was without armors, with no money available, nothing but my last alternative that didn’t involve killing myself.” A shiver ran through Tony’s spine. “And, look, I’m a futurist. I prepare myself for the most different scenarios. I figured that one day I would need to do something like that, so I kept a backup of my own mind, but for reasons I don’t know, it was only updated to a week before Stamford. But it would have to do.”

“Wait.” Steve held up his hand. “Did _you choose_ to do that?”

Tony opened his saddest smile and he saw how his expression affected Steve, who frowned and opened and closed his hand on the kitchen island, as if, for a moment, he wanted to reach Tony, but he had changed his mind. Tony nodded. “Yes, I chose it. I _wanted to_ erase my memory in one last attempt to ... I don’t know.” Tony struggled to find the right word, but nothing in the right sense occurred to him.

Even though he didn’t remember what actually had happened, even though he had been told everything that happened the day he erased his memory, Tony knew what he most likely had felt. He was still him, only with a piece of his mind missing. It was frustrating, but he did his best to find the most accurate description possible of his own feelings to tell Steve. “Redemption, perhaps? To make sure that your death was not in vain? After all, you died after fighting that stupid Act. And look where it had taken us. Everyone was now seeing that the Act wasn’t the solution, everyone realized that you weren’t the villain of the story, the _wrong side_ of the War. Maybe _I_ was.” Tony blew out a heavy breath. “So, I don’t know, but I like to think that, before I really erased everything, I thought about what _you_ would have done in my place, or what you would have told me if you were there with me. Maybe it gave me courage. Your speeches have always inspired me. I don’t know.” Tony shrugged. “The fact is that I erased my memory and the backup I had available didn’t cover the most recent events, such as our fight, the death of Goliath, my lies and manipulations, and neither you dying.”

Steve ran a hand through his hair, then his face, and ended up resting his chin on his hand. He was watching Tony as if he were seeing him for the first time. “How was it when you woke up?”

“I was in an induced coma for a while. And Pepper helped me to come back by following the instructions I had left in case all this happened. Apparently, it worked. When I came back, I had zero sense of everything that was going on, nor why I wasn’t at my house, or why I didn’t have my friends calling or being there with me. When I mentioned calling you and Pepper stopped me, I knew there was something very wrong. I remembered talking to you, _seeing you_ the day before, damn it. Why couldn’t I call you?” Tony laughed bitterly. “Pepper called Rhodes and Maria Hill and they gave a summary as detailed as possible of everything that had happened. Honestly, I don’t know what shocked and hurt me the most, knowing that we had fought over something as stupid as a law - I kept wondering why we hadn’t sat down to talk and solve it - and how was it possible for you to be dead. I had never, in any of my predictions, seen you dying. Never. That had never been a possible scenario. And there it was,” Tony spread his arms, pointing at Steve, as if to prove his point. “The stuffing of the story I got by myself, watching countless security videos, reading my own files, and asking Reed a few other things,” Tony took the last sip of his coffee, placed the cup delicately on the kitchen island and looked at Steve. “There. Now you know what happened to me while you were gone.”

Steve said nothing. He wasn’t even looking at Tony. He faced his own hands, crossed over the island. Tony just waited, because now he had all the time in the world. He felt light, as if the weight of the world had been lifted off his back. He had no idea what time of night it was, but he didn’t care. Now Steve knew and it was up to him to decide what to do with all that information. It was no longer Tony’s task.

“I should’ve stayed there with you,” Steve said quietly.

Tony blinked a few times, repeating the phrase mentally, afraid he might have heard it wrong. “What did you say?”

Steve looked at him with a pained look. “I said I should have stayed there with you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Pepper, she called me to help you,” Steve said.

 _“What?”_ Tony heard his voice increase, but he didn’t care. How could he not know that?

“Didn’t you know?” Steve looked as shocked as Tony.

Tony held up his hands. “Start from the beginning. What the hell are you talking about, what do you mean Pepper called _you_ to help me?”

“I had just come back from the dead.” Steve frowned. “And one day I got a call from Bucky, telling me that I had to go find Pepper, that it was urgent and that it had to do with bringing you back from the dead. That you needed me. Thor went there too.”

 _“Thor went over there?”_ Tony heard himself screaming.

Steve nodded. “When we arrived, you were barely hanging on, completely unconscious, but Pepper didn’t tell us all the why. I know now. But at the time, she simply asked us to save you, because all the other steps in your instructions had already been followed. Only our part, mine and Thor’s was missing.”

“And what did you do?” Tony asked, his strength draining. He felt like a spectator of his own life.

“Well, it wasn’t my best choice, but Thor and I managed to drive his lightning bolts with my shield, hitting straight into your new reactor. It worked, but you remained unconscious,” Steve shrugged sheepishly and looked away.

“But I didn’t know that,” Tony said, in an accusing tone. “Nobody told me anything about you actually being there.”

Steve looked at Tony again and his look was pained. “Thor had to run to resolve matters for Asgard, that was going through its own problems. When I saw that you weren’t waking up, I went to Strange to ask for help. I stayed long enough to help him prepare the ritual that would bring you back.”

“You weren’t there when I woke up,” Tony said, hurt.

“I’m sorry, Tony. I was going to stay; _I was going_ to wait. I wanted to understand what had happened, I wanted to help you and ...” Steve hesitated. He exhaled, resigned. “I also wanted you to help me. The two of us coming back from the dead? What are the chances?” Steve let out a sad laugh. “But I had to leave, I had to leave you there with Strange, hoping for the best, praying that you would come back. I wish that we could talk and do what we are doing now, but there, at that moment. I ...” Steve looked away, suddenly unsure of what to say.

“You what?” Tony was impatient. Steve was there that day. And he never knew.

Steve blew out a breath, defeated. “I wanted to make sure that when you woke up, I wouldn’t lose you again.”

Tony opened his mouth, but no words came out. _What?_

“But I couldn’t wait for you to wake up. I got a call from Bucky, asking for help with an emergency and I needed to leave you.” Steve looked deep into Tony’s eyes. “I asked Pepper to tell you to come and talk to me when you wake up, that I needed to see you, but then I knew you were awake, and you never came to talk to me. I thought you were too furious with me for everything that had happened between us so that we couldn’t at least try to talk.”

Tony snorted. “I never got your message.”

“I didn’t know. I should’ve said something, but I was scared.” Steve gave a sad smile. “I wanted to respect your space. That’s when I saw your footprints in the building over there, and I thought maybe, just maybe, you could’ve reconsidered my offer to come in and talk.” The smile was happier now. “It never crossed my mind that you could be coming for other reasons.”

“I came to see if it was true that you were alive,” Tony confessed. “Nobody ever told me that you and Thor were there and that, God help me, that you saved me. I remember waking up and running into Strange, Rhodes and Pepper, but no one told me that my instructions to bring me back, in case I needed to erase my memory, had been followed so strictly, let alone worked. Also, when I recorded those instructions, you were dead,” Tony swallowed. It would never be easy to think of a world without Steve. “I thought of those instructions with Bucky carrying the shield. I never imagined that you could be back to help me. I ... I honestly don’t know what to think. But I know that I will have a very serious conversation with a Miss Pepper Potts as soon as I see her.”

“Don’t be so hard on her. She was scared and scared for you. She just wanted to protect you from more pain.”

Tony ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “We could’ve solved all of our problems with a simple conversation. _Why_ didn’t we talk?”

“We tried to talk,” Steve said at last.

“What?” Tony didn’t think he heard it right.

“Me and you, we tried to talk.” Steve was looking at Tony. “Before things really got worse during the War, we met at the Mansion and talked.”

Tony frowned. “And why did the war continue?”

Steve laughed through his nose. “Because we are both too stubborn to give up an argument. And then we fought,” Steve sighed. “We started with a truce, we dropped our weapons, you even came out of the armor. We even managed to laugh a little, but ended up punching ourselves because, apparently, that was all we knew how to do because we were too blind trying to prove which side was right.”

“We should have realized there that it was neither one of them, right?”

Steve nodded in agreement. “Yes. We both lost.”

“It wasn’t worth it,” they both said at the same time. Steve smiled a little, like when you share a secret. A second-hand memory flashed in Tony’s head. A footage. _Oh my God. Not that footage._

“You watched it,” Tony said, hoping Steve didn’t know what he was talking about.

Steve nodded, proving that Tony’s luck never lasted long. “It was the first thing they gave me to watch when I asked about you when I got back. Natasha told me that I should see it before I tried to talk to you in person. And you know you don’t deny a request from the Black Widow.” Steve smiled conspiratorially. “It was one of the reasons why I dropped everything and went to help you when I knew you needed me. If everything you said was true, if it wasn’t worth it, then we could fix everything, right?”

“So what?” Tony was nervous about what was about to come, but the curiosity to know what Steve had thought of the sincerest monologue Tony had ever done, dedicated to his best friend’s lifeless body, was much greater.

“It was probably the most painful scene I have ever seen. And look, I already had my share of painful scenes to fill about three lives.” Steve tried to make a joke, but his eyes staring at his hands that writhed nervously betrayed him. “I heard everything, over and over, until I memorized every word,” Steve said and Tony swallowed a gasp. “Now I know your reasons, your meeting with Arthur, your vision, that, even in the middle of the whole war you never drank once - and that made me _very proud_ of you - and even that you thought that if you had told me about everything, I wouldn’t believe you,” he leaned forward, propped up on his elbows, and looked at Tony. “You know, you could’ve tried. I could’ve listened to you; I could’ve helped you find a solution. We could’ve avoided all of this together.”

Tony felt his eyes sting. “You don’t know that.”

“No, I don’t know. But you didn’t know it either, Tony. The next time you arrive at such a crossroads, trust me. We work better _together_ , when we trust each other. See what happened when we hid things from each other,” Steve waved his hand between them and raised an eyebrow.

Tony was so frustrated. He wanted to go back in time and still have his memories. He wanted to go back and find a way to fight to keep them, to remember everything, to _feel_ everything. What he was experiencing now wasn’t feeling. It was a cold, emotionless loan.

“Tony?” Steve called. Tony blinked and looked at him. “Talk to me.”

Apparently, Tony was able to denounce himself even when he tried to stay with his own thoughts. He was a damn open book for Steve. He sighed. “I know I should feel guilty and ashamed, and the worst of assholes now. Look at everything I told you. I _took advantage_ of the War to get richer, and in the end, people still saw me as the good guy. I let you die with people believing you were a bad person. I chased our friends. I created the clone of a god. I haven’t done a single good thing since Stamford, at least people can tell me, but I can only feel _half of it_. I can only feel _a free sample_ of those emotions.” Tony struggled with the words. “I _need_ my memories to _really_ feel, I need to remember to know why I’m ashamed, why I’m feeling guilty, why I’m afraid to be here.”

Tony felt that a dam inside him had breached and now he just couldn’t suppress the flow. _Whatever. He asked me to speak, didn’t he? Then I will speak._ “I know I was there; I saw myself on the scenes. But it’s like I’m not there either, _because I don’t remember!”_ Tony punched the marble from the kitchen island and stood up, rubbing his face, frustrated, irritated, hurt by the injustice that was all that. He walked in circles and ended up facing Steve again, with open arms, gesticulating like a crazy man. “All I have are second-hand memories and second-hand feelings from the most important moment in our lives to date. It doesn’t seem fair that I have a hole where painful memories should be,” Tony found himself shouting, but he didn’t care. He had been holding on since he got in that apartment. “I should learn lessons from these memories, it was all a mistake, _none of it was worth it!_ And. I. Don’t. Remember.” Tony covered his face with his hands and tried to take a deep breath, but the air just didn’t find the right way for his lungs. He felt his hands heat up and get wet. _Whatever. Go out, stupid tears._ Dignity was the last thing Tony had yet to lose completely. Yet.

Then Tony felt wrapped in a pair of arms, which wrapped around him knowing that they wouldn’t be pushed aside. On the contrary, they were very necessary. It was a warm, soft and firm haven, able to protect him from all dangers, even those that Tony created for himself, steadying him to reality, bringing him back, comforting him. He didn’t deserve that. The smell of clean clothes and Steve, the scent that only he had, permeated Tony’s senses, making him dizzy, thirsty and with a racing heart. He was hyper alert, about to explode, and having such a concentrated dose of Steve at that moment could lead to unexpected and dangerous reactions.

“Hey, hey. Tony. Tony.” Steve’s voice was close. Very close. “Tony, look at me.”

Tony shook his head. He didn’t know how he would react to Steve so close after all this time, even if only a few weeks had passed for him and not more than an entire year.

“Come on, Tony, let me help you,” Steve’s voice was impossibly kind when he pulled away, but continued to hold Tony by the arms.

Tony didn’t understand. Then he dropped his hands to his sides and faced Steve. Looking at him was like being punched in the stomach and wanting to repeat the experience. It was beautiful and suffocating. Perfect enough to hurt.

“How can you be so kind to me?” Tony practically shouted. “You just heard me say that I took advantage of the Civil War, that I lied to you, to our friends, to the press, that I let them think you were the villain. Damn it, I let them kill you!” Tony felt like a scratched vinyl, repeating the same thing over and over, trying to get Steve to come to his senses, that he finally understood the seriousness of Tony’s words, that he finally kicked Tony out of that apartment, damn it, that he finally expelled Tony from his whole life, but no matter how many times Tony repeated it, Steve continued to ignore him, and worse: he kept bringing him closer, preventing him from leaving, from being guilty.

Steve smiled kindly and wiped an insolent tear that was streaming down Tony’s face, and that corroded Tony inside. “It’s already gone. It’s over.” Steve squeezed Tony’s arms lightly, reaffirming that everything was fine. “I died and came back. You have lost part of your memory, the most painful, according to yourself. It seems obvious what we have to do here.”

Tony frowned. “I think you are the genius now, because nothing here is obvious to me.”

Steve laughed. “We have a chance to start over, Tony. I can leave the past behind, where it really belongs. And you can start over, even with your second-hand memories. Learn from experience. It’s not just because you have lost the original memories that you can’t learn from what happened, that you can’t feel anything about it. But allow yourself to move on,” Steve smiled.

“I missed your optimism,” Tony said. “But it’s easy for you to say. You died as a martyr. I was deposed as an outcast.”

“I never wanted to be a martyr,” Steve said quietly.

Tony laughed through his nose. “Sometimes I think you have no idea how big you are for other people.” He held up his hand, interrupting Steve before he started. “I know what you’re going to say. I know you never wanted any of this. I know you only do what you think is right and blah blah blah. But you need to accept who and what you are for us.”

“What am I to _you_ , Tony?” Steve’s gaze was all over Tony, enveloping him, trapping Tony much more efficiently than his hands. It was hypnotic and Tony suspected that that look had some kind of supernatural power over him, because Tony started to feel things that he hadn’t felt for a long, long time. Things he thought he couldn’t even feel anymore. But apparently the evidence that they still existed was still around.

Tony suddenly closed his mouth. That conversation was taking _too_ unexpected turns. He wasn’t expecting that question. He should simply tell his version of the story and that’s it. Tony realized that he was trapped by Steve’s hands, that they were extremely close to each other, as they hadn’t been in a while, and Tony’s heart raced. He swallowed.

“You’re my best friend,” Tony said in a shaky voice. It wasn’t a lie. But it wasn’t the complete truth. But he couldn’t tell the whole truth. He couldn’t reveal that last untouched piece of information, that little piece that was still his alone. As much as it hurt, as much as Tony’s entire body screamed for him to speak the truth, he couldn’t.

But everything had changed.

Steve too.

What if ...

“Thanks.” Steve smiled and took a step forward, a tiny step, but enough to keep them so close that Tony could count the green spots that mixed with the blue of his eyes. “But why do I have a feeling you’re not telling me the whole truth?” Steve slid his hands down Tony’s arm and his warm hands found Tony’s, which were freezing. The contrast made Tony shiver.

Tony let out a nervous laugh, that sounded fake even to him. “Why do you think I still have something to tell? I already said everything.”

“Tony, why did you accept my invitation to come in? Why did you come to spy on me?” Steve’s gaze was gentle, but he held Tony’s gaze firmly, turning Tony into a statue about to break with the vibration of his own heart. “Tony, what are you afraid of?” Steve inclined his head. They were looking at each other at the same height now.

“To lose you again,” Tony found himself speaking quietly. “But this time I will remember everything.” He looked at Steve, took a deep breath and continued. It was now or never. “I’m afraid to accept that it’s no longer possible to separate our lives, because every time I try to move away, chaos sets in and I realize that I can’t imagine my life without you. I’m afraid to open my heart, as I’m doing now, and to give you my heart in the end, and confess that I’m in your hands. I tried to stay away, to forget, but the truth? Do you want the truth?” Steve nodded and Tony resigned himself. It was about time to stop the lies, to deny the evidence. Tony squeezed Steve’s hands. “The truth is, I am and I have always been crazy about you, Steve.” Tony realized that since he had arrived at the apartment, that was the first time he had said Steve’s name out loud. It tasted good, sweet and comfortable in Tony’s tongue, as if it were meant to be spoken by Tony all the time.

Then Tony’s stomach did a twist and went back into place when he felt his hands being squeezed back. He felt his eyes widen and looked at Steve in surprise.

“So, what I was told is true?” Steve asked, his eyes shining in a new way that Tony had never seen before.

“What did they tell you?” Tony frowned at the seemingly pointless question.

“That you missed me and that you thought about me all this time?” Steve’s eyes shone with anticipation and practically shouted “say yes!”

“Yes, all the time. To think that I would never see you again, that I could never tell you how I felt, and that it was all my fault? There wasn’t a minute when I didn’t think about you.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Steve said, seriously.

“Let’s agree to disagree.” Tony shrugged.

Steve rolled his eyes. “I don’t want to start fighting.”

“Start? What are we starting with?” Tony asked, his heart hammering in his chest, threatening to wake the entire block.

Steve smiled. “First, I’m stopping pretending that I don’t want you, that I don’t desire you, that I don’t want to start my life over with and for you. You only need to say yes, that we start.”

**o0o**

**CHAPTER 4**  
**Bargaining**

It could only be a dream, right? An incredibly good dream, but put there by someone bad, who knew how much Tony wanted that happiness, but could _not, had no right_ to reach out and take it. Tony couldn’t just have told his biggest secret, opened his heart to the person he loved and trusted most, and whom he had hurt the most, and in return to receive that smile, to get that feeling back. It didn’t seem right to have done so many horrible things, even though thinking they were right, and still be rewarded with all Steve Rogers’ affection and attention. Steve should push Tony away, say how much he despised Tony for everything, for the horrible human being he was and had been able to become.  
Steve should tell Tony how much he hated him.

Tony felt the tears return. It had been a long time since he had allowed himself to be so vulnerable in front of someone else (the last time that had happened, as far as he knew, was for Steve’s body). Tony had waited so long for that moment, waited so long for Steve to come back and prove that all the horrible news he had read was a lie. And now, when he received much more than he had asked for, when all of his biggest dreams, even the most secret ones, came true, he knew it was too much. He should already know that good things like that didn’t happen to him.

“Tony?” Steve called, wiping a tear from Tony’s face. “Tony, look at me.”

Tony did what he asked, simply because he couldn’t do anything else. He had no strength left. He had just received the best of the prizes and had to refuse. How to continue after that?

Steve’s eyes took in his whole vision and they were distressed, looking all over Tony’s face looking for something, trying to help. Tony wanted to say that it wasn’t his fault. Steve couldn’t control the fact that he was who he was, the most incredible, generous, funny person in a unique, sensitive way, and perfect in every way that Tony could think of, even in the flaws. Tony was the crooked vase there, the wrong piece. He just couldn’t say it. His throat was closed, his eyes filled with tears. He shook his head, trying, in one last effort, to tell Steve that it was a futile effort to reach him. Tony was hopeless.

Steve was still trying to contain the tears that were streaming down Tony’s face, a dam that had burst and was showing no signs of stopping. “Tony, let me help you,” he said quietly, so quietly that Tony was afraid he hadn’t heard.

It had gone too far. Tony needed to get out of there.

With a superhuman effort, Tony broke away from Steve and walked away. “Forgive me, Steve,” he said, stumbling over his own words and feet as he walked backwards towards the corridor he had entered. “Forgive me, really.”

“What?” Steve asked, his arms hanging at his sides, his expression confused.

“I can’t, Steve. I ... _I don’t deserve it._ ” Tony was afraid his words wouldn’t come out loud enough, but he knew Steve would listen to them. Blessed be the improved hearing. “I’m sorry.” Tony turned and found himself at the entrance to the room he had entered in ... a lifetime ago. He slowed down enough to take a last look around, the room all framed by the intense moonlight that came in through the huge window just in front of him, he saw the door leading to the roof, where the armor was waiting, and the practical part of his brain put the puzzle together. _It’s obvious that he’d have an emergency exit in his own room._ Tony felt his chest ache when he saw the shield against the door, strategically positioned. The last time he had seen that shiny disk had been a lifetime ago, a life that no longer belonged to him, when he visited Steve’s dead body. _I need to go._

“Tony.”

Tony was startled. He took too long; he was too slow and now Steve was there. He didn’t turn around, but he was alert, paying attention to the sounds Steve was making, deliberately loud, so Tony would know where he was, what he was doing, where he was going. They both knew that if Steve wanted to, he could be quieter than a shadow.  
Steve sighed. “Before you go, I wanted to say one more thing.”

Tony knew that was the time to leave for good, to leave and not look back. But he knew, Steve knew, and after the Civil War, the world knew: _Steve Rogers was his weakness._ Tony couldn’t say no to the Captain when he asked for something. Then, knowing that this would be his biggest mistake, Tony stopped and thought that his heart was already too bruised, too numb, and that one more blow would make no difference. So, he waited.

“When I was still alive, still during the Civil War,” Steve said, without changing his voice, without approaching. “I told myself that I hated you.”

That hurt. Tony didn’t think he could feel anything anymore, but he found he could underestimate his own feelings when it came to Steve. _But isn’t that what you wanted to hear so badly?_ an impertinent little voice whispered from the back of Tony’s mind. _You’ve been here all this time wanting him to kick you out because you’re the worst of people. There you are. Congratulations, you got what you wanted. Why are you so surprised?_

“But,” Steve continued. _Great,_ Tony thought. _There’s more._ “But I was just kidding myself. I should’ve realized that everything was going downhill when every time we tried to talk it all went wrong, either it was never the right time, or it was just a mixture of those two factors.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Tony saw that Steve walked over to the bed on his left and sat on the edge, his hands crossed on his legs, his back straight and his gaze fixed on Tony. Tony didn’t move and continued looking at the void, but paying full attention to Steve.

“I should’ve known when it was time to stop all that nonsense when all I could think about was you, if you were okay, if you were eating, if you were sleeping.” Steve paused. “If you could still smile in the middle of that madness.”

Tony was taken by surprise. He expected anything but that. Throughout the War, Tony always imagined Steve on the other side wanting Tony’s head on a silver platter, never someone who was - no, scratch that - not someone who _still_ was concerned about his well-being.

“I kept thinking about everything we’ve ever lived through, you know,” Steve said. “So many battles won and lost together, so many sleepless nights thinking about strategies or just talking, movie and game nights with our friends, and I couldn’t understand when we had lost each other.” Tony watched Steve run his fingers through his hair in frustration. “But there came a time when I knew we needed to talk, that I thought I had all the answers to our problems. I was very arrogant, I know, to think I knew everything. But then, you suggested a truce to talk and that was all I needed. And I went. But I didn’t think about what I was doing, because when I arrived at the mansion that day, when I saw you, without armor, just being you, open, vulnerable, I forgot everything because I wasn’t ready _for you,_ Tony.”

Tony’s heart was racing. _What?_ What was he talking about? How come you weren’t ready for me? Curiosity won in the end, and Tony turned to face Steve. Their eyes met and Tony saw that Steve’s eyes lit up when Tony turned.

“Everything I wanted most when I saw you that day,” Steve continued, his voice stronger, more confident. “Was to come to you and say that I wanted that fight to end. The problem is that, at the time, we both wanted it, but on our terms. The War blinded us. We talked and talked and talked.” Steve sighed. “We walked through the mansion’s gardens and, after I told you why I thought I was right, you told me that I was a blind man who never saw how inadequate everyone has always been around me. How _you_ always felt inadequate around me.”

Tony didn’t remember any of that, of course. But he knew the feeling. That feeling hadn’t been erased, because Tony had grown up with it, with Howard always extolling the perfection of the great Captain America and, as if that weren’t enough, the feeling had worsened after Tony had met and started working together with the real Captain. Everyone around Steve wanted to live up to the living legend, they wanted to prove their worth to the great Captain America, the one who was the inspiration of all who swore to fight for justice and freedom. Of course, nobody did. Of course, nobody _could._ Nobody even came close to what Steve was. And Tony was probably the last in line.

“I wish there was something I could say to you that day,” Steve said, his eyes glued to Tony, holding Tony in place. “I wish I could have said something that would make all that pain you let me see go away. It kills me a little every day, since that meeting, to know how you can feel this way, so worthless, so small, so _unworthy_ of good things, when, in fact, you are the best of all things, Tony.”

Tony shook his head, tears falling again. No, he was no good. Nobody good needs to erase their own memory after having helped install chaos. Tony was a weed, a cute plant, but one that can destroy everything if not controlled.

“I thought time could make you see what I saw,” Steve said, standing up, almost in slow motion. He straightened up and stopped, giving Tony a chance to leave if he wanted to. Tony didn’t move. He couldn’t do it; his legs were glued to the floor and his ears needed to continue listening to what Steve had to say. Seeing that Tony wouldn’t leave, Steve took a step forward, slowly, without taking his eyes off Tony even for an instant. Tony was the cornered, dangerous and withdrawn animal, ready to escape at any moment and Steve was using all his persuasion to make him listen, to make him stay and _trust._ “I wish you could see what I see when I look at you.”

“And what do you see?” Tony whispered, out of breath.

That seemed to encourage Steve, who took another step towards Tony. “I see the sun. A star so beautiful, powerful and warm, that everyone wants to stay around when it suits, but that many underestimate, that many even forget that it’s there, but it is, looking after each one of us, taking care, thinking about what’s best for us all.”

“I burn people around me, Steve.” Tony felt like he was just presenting old facts. _Tell me what you have done, and I will tell you who you are._

“Let me finish.” Steve smiled. “I see someone so generous that he chose to give up everything, including his own memory, to save those who have turned their backs on him.”

“They don’t know that,” Tony snorted.

“But I do. And they will end up knowing it, too,” Steve took another step. “But the most important thing is that when I look at you, I see the dream that I never knew I had until it was you. I see my world gain a new sky that has the exact shade of blue of your eyes. When I look at you, Tony, I see my best friend, the person I trust the most, with whom I don’t need to be Captain America. With you I can be just Steve Rogers, and I know that you will believe me when I say I’m bad or you will pretend to believe that I’m fine simply if that’s what I need at that moment, because you know me better than anyone, but you will still stay.” Steve took another step. If he gave one more, he would reach Tony. “You were the only one who came to see if I was okay, even though you hide yourself. Everyone just believed it when I said I was fine, no one saw it behind the lie. Nobody bothered to return. Except you.”

Tony’s brain was full of cotton. He was numb with that whole statement. Steve saw him as a lifeguard. Steve saw Tony as Tony saw Steve. How was that possible? It didn’t feel right. Steve was the safe haven there, not Tony. Tony was the Bermuda Triangle, sucking everything and everyone around into chaos. He couldn’t be the beacon that led to safety. Tony’s heart was racing, responding for him, propelling him forward, but his legs were still frozen. Something was still missing ...

“Tony,” Steve called. Tony focused on him. “You were the first to speak to me and introduce me to the world. You gave me a home when I woke up in this century. You were my safe haven. Let me do the same for you. Let me show you how I see you, let me be your safe haven.” Steve held his hand out to Tony, his eyes shining with hope and feeling.

“I don’t deserve you, Steve,” Tony spoke softly, defeated and tired.

“Tony, you _deserve to be_ happy. I don’t know when you decided that happiness was something unattainable for you, but it’s not true. And you, more than anyone in this world, know that I have flaws. We caused a war because of these flaws, Tony.” Steve took the last step. “I’d do anything to convince you that you’re worth all the effort, that you’re worthy of all happiness, but words will never be able to convince you. Let me be with you, then, to prove, day after day, how much you mean to me. How much I love you.”

Tony’s brain was no longer functioning. He hadn’t heard anything. It was probably another one of those beautiful and inspiring speeches that only Steve knew how to give, because Tony only managed to pay attention to one part and no other.

“Do you _love_ me?”

Steve blinked, surprised. “I thought that after all these years it was obvious,” he laughed. “You can’t fool the heart, Tony. We can try to run away from it, run as fast as we can, pretend it’s not there, disguise the evidence, but in the end, it always wins. Love always resurfaces, getting bigger and stronger. Especially after adversities, like the ones we always go through. So yes, Shellhead, I love you.”

Tony then stopped very seriously and looked at Steve. “So, are we just going to leave the Civil War behind?”

Steve shrugged. “I had a lot of time to think while I relived those moments and after I came back. There’s no point in brooding over what happened, Tony. We learn from our mistakes. Let’s move on and keep an eye on each other so it doesn’t happen again.” Steve looked at his hand still opened in Tony’s direction. “You come with me? Shall we start over together? I want you so much with me.”

“I want you more than anything. I can tell you all the yeses you want.” Tony couldn’t take it anymore. “So, do you forgive me?”

Steve frowned. “Forgive you for what?”

“For the lies, for not being more reasonable, for not talking to you before ... for not saving you.” Thinking that he could have done something to avoid the shots still deeply troubled Tony. He had secretly created counter-attack plans in possible sniper scenarios, such as the day of Steve’s death. It would never happen again.

“Tony, we were at war. I won’t say that I agree with what you did, nor will I say that it was right. You know what I think, otherwise you wouldn’t be here asking me to forgive you. But it’s not up to me to forgive you. _You_ need to forgive _yourself._ I _love_ you and I will learn from your mistakes and adapt to them. They make you who you are.” Steve smiled. “As for being the one to blame for my death, that merit is Red Skull’s, not yours. And I went to trial for my actions. I went to war against you because I wanted to. I knew what I was doing. Or at least I _thought_ I did.” Steve shrugged. “Anyway, if it makes you happy, I forgive you, but only if you also forgive yourself.”

Tony still didn’t feel worthy of that love. Steve Rogers loving Tony? It seemed too good to be true, but Tony could believe Steve. Steve would never lie to him, not after they agreed that it wasn’t worth hiding things from each other. In addition, they have always worked better together. Imagine if they were really together? All Tony’s dreams coming true? Too good to be true, but apparently it was.

“I’ll be there with you,” Tony said, opening a shy smile. “I always had hope that you’d come back. But I never thought you would be able to make me confess that I’d do anything for you, that I’d give my heart to you, even though I didn’t think I deserve your love back.”

Tony took Steve’s outstretched hand, who wasted no time, and pulled him close, holding his waist with his free hand, holding him in his embrace, as if he were afraid that Tony would try to run away again. Tony crossed his arms around Steve’s neck. They both smiled.

“You say you’re not worthy, that you don’t deserve it. You stay there, focusing on your flaws, but you want to know something?” Steve asked. Tony nodded in agreement. “To me, you are perfect.”

Tony’s luck had apparently returned. _After all, Steve is my luck,_ Tony thought.

Tony closed the distance between him and Steve, leaning his body against his and, without waiting for any confirmation beyond Steve’s lack of resistance and his firm hands on his waist, Tony, with his heart pounding with excitement or nervousness, he couldn’t quite say which one, kissed him.

Steve took a deep breath before putting his mouth on his and Tony was surprised for a second, amazed by the burning strength of his lips. Then his libido reached his brain and Tony tiptoed up, clasping his hand on Steve’s neck, returning the kiss with everything he had been holding inside him all that time, all the pain of having lost Steve, for never having the courage to say how much he loved him before, to have gone to war against the person he loved the most, to have hit rock bottom, to finally be able to surrender to Steve with all of his soul, and finally to feel Steve’s sweet and intoxicating taste on his tongue, which danced and explored alongside Steve’s, as if they already knew each other and needed to make up for all the lost time away from each other.

A distant part of Tony was aware of Steve’s hand gripping the hem of Tony’s shirt, pulling him closer and closer, gluing them together as if they were one. Steve’s tongue slid long and slowly over Tony’s and an appreciative sound vibrated deep in his throat, startling Tony and reverberating directly into his groin when Steve groaned with him.

Tony came closer, pressing his body even harder against Steve’s, wanting more, needing more, when Steve backed away slightly, sucking in the air like a drowning man. He looked at Tony strangely, his eyes fixed on his lips and, unconsciously, Tony slid his tongue to wet them. Later, Tony would swear that he could see Steve’s pupils widen. But at that moment, all he could feel was the thousands of restless butterflies fluttering in his stomach. Tony looked at Steve through his lashes and swallowed when his strong, capable fingers found the tight muscles at the base of his neck and began to massage them carefully. Such a small contact, but that, once again, generated an instant and addictive heat. It was as much as Tony could handle before their mouths fixed on each other again. Tony gasped and couldn’t suppress a groan when Steve’s tongue traced the sensitive curve of his upper lip.

He didn’t realize where he was, not even that they had moved or that Steve had turned him the other way, until his knees hit the edge of the bed. So, he let his body take over control, since the rational part had apparently already short-circuited. His hands slid from Steve’s neck and hair to his strong chest, feeling every curve, every muscle, feeling his heart make his body vibrate, until his fingers gripped tightly at the hem of the t-shirt that Steve wore and, with dexterity, began to slide the fabric upwards, revealing the immaculate skin it hid. Without shame, Tony allowed himself to touch every bit of Steve he was revealing, delighting to feel the skin prickle under his fingers.

They moved far away enough for Tony to finish taking off Steve’s shirt and Tony took a little break to admire the man in front of him, the man he loved, and who, surprisingly, loved him back. He reached out and touched Steve’s torso slowly, gently, learning how each of those lines behaved under his fingers, how Steve reacted to his touch, what sounds he made, which places produced the softest sighs, the deepest moans. Steve waited patiently, even though he was breathing hard, his hands holding Tony around the waist, admiring Tony’s reconnaissance work.

“You are beautiful,” Steve said after what seemed like eternity.

Tony looked at him and smiled. “Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror?”

“I’ll never look anywhere else with you by my side.”

“Oh, my God, Steve, how can you say those things and still be sexy like that?” Tony said, pinching one of Steve’s nipples between his fingers, making Steve throw his head back and moan loudly. Tony smiled, satisfied.

“Ok, Mr. Funny,” Steve said, out of breath. “Your turn.” He opened the buttons on Tony’s shirt, one by one, showing admirable self-control, Tony needed to admit, but letting all of Tony’s control fall to the floor along with his shirt as soon as Steve’s lips reached the curve of Tony’s neck and they followed from there with a trail of wet kisses towards the front of Tony’s body, with no intention of stopping anywhere near.

When Tony realized, Steve was kneeling in front of him, looking at him with those hypnotic blue eyes, full of expectation, love and devotion. Steve was loving him, simply leaving behind all the mistakes and pain and showing Tony that this was, in fact, the start of them together for real. Steve loved him. He wouldn’t be smiling, kneeling there, unbuckling Tony’s belt if he didn’t love him, right?

“Stop,” Steve said, throwing the belt somewhere behind him.

“Stop with what?” Tony asked, out of breath.

“Thinking. I can hear you thinking. Thinking _too much,_ ” Steve refocused his eyes on Tony’s eyes. “Stay here with _me._ The world outside doesn’t exist, Tony. Neither before nor after. There are just you and me. And that’s all,” Steve smiled the brightest of smiles.

Tony smiled back, because he trusted Steve. He _loved Steve._ “Just you and me.”

“Just you and me,” Steve agreed and refocused on his task of getting rid of Tony’s pants, unzipping the button and zipper and carefully pulling the pants down. Tony gasped when the jeans hit his cock, already extremely sensitive, almost completely erect. He wanted Steve. _Very much._ He helped Steve kick his pants off and let Steve sit him on the edge of the bed. Thankfully, because, honestly, he didn’t quite know how much longer his legs would last after so many emotions that night.

Still kneeling, Steve lifted one of Tony’s legs, holding by the ankle and kissed each exposed piece of skin, going up the calf, passing through the knee, up to the upper thigh, until he went down inside and made Tony’s eyes turn inside the globes. He stopped a few inches from Tony’s underwear and looked at him.

“Why did you stop?” Tony was startled by his own breathless voice, and they weren’t even completely naked yet. Steve’s power over him was surreal.

“Do you trust me?” Steve asked.

“Of course, I do,” Tony replied without hesitation. “What question is that?”

Steve shrugged and looked a little embarrassed, a little unsure of himself. “I just want to make sure that we’re on the same page.”

Tony’s heart swelled. Steve was waiting for consent. If Tony told him to stop, Steve would stop and they would never talk about what happened there. Tony smiled, released his leg from Steve’s hand and leaned toward him, looking deep into his eyes.

“Steve, and now pay close attention to what I’m going to say to you, do you understand?” Tony held Steve’s face in his hands and Steve nodded, paying full attention to Tony. Tony’s smile widened. “I _love_ you. There is no person I trust in this world more than you. There’s no one else in this world that I’d follow with my eyes closed, no one I would give everything for, no one else I’d lose everything for, no one I’d give the key to bring me back from the dead other than you.” Tony came over and kissed him long and deeply, sealing each of his words. Each of them purer and truer than the other. When they came apart, Steve smiled and his eyes sparkled. “I love you,” Tony repeated. “I gave my heart to you tonight. It is yours for you to make with it what you want. And with me.” Tony stroked Steve’s face and ended up holding him by the chin, making him look deep into Tony’s eyes. “Oh, darling, with me do whatever you want, _please_ , before we explode.”

With a savage grunt, Steve went over to Tony and kissed him hard, without holding on, letting everything he had kept inside him, every year loving from a long distance, the frustration for the War that he fought for the principles he swore to protect, but that went against protecting the person he loved the most, for them finally having the courage to reveal their feelings for each other, all that, that whole dam had finally burst and nothing would be able to hold it back. Steve hooked his fingers into Tony’s underwear and slid it down Tony’s muscular, shapely legs, and felt his mouth water as he watched how Tony’s cock was already ready for him.

Tony leaned back and propped himself up on his elbows, giving Steve a privileged view of his body and smirked. “Do you see anything you like, Steve, darling?”

Steve wet his lips, still unsure of what to say, unable to take his eyes off the beauty that was Tony. All of him, not just a part. It was mesmerizing. “I see you.” Steve ended up saying, in a distant, dreamy voice. “And I love you whole.”

Without saying anything, Tony sat down and started opening the button on Steve’s pants. “In a hurry, Stark?” Steve asked with a breathless laugh.

Tony looked at him through his long lashes and snorted in exasperation. “You can’t expect me to stand looking at you all dressed up after you tell me all these things.” With a single tug, he removed Steve’s pants and underwear at the same time, reveling in the sight of Steve’s cock right in front of him, big, upright, heavy and inviting. Tony’s mouth watered.

“Tony, I-” Steve started, but he never finished the sentence, because Tony didn’t wait for it. The invitation was right there, in front of him. So, he just held it and, with all the passion and willingness he had, he put Steve’s cock in his mouth and sucked, taking all the air out of Steve’s lungs in the process. Tony was very good at that and he knew it. He would do his best for Steve. And he did. Feeling the blood pounding in his ears, Tony slid his tongue all over the bottom, making Steve’s knees buckle and faltering, making him kneeling, giving full access to Tony, who was, little by little, putting all Steve’s cock in his mouth, delighting in the weight of it on his tongue, until he felt it touch the back of his throat.

“Oh, my God, Tony, your mouth-” Steve gasped when Tony pulled it out of his mouth and held it with his hand to focus on its head, which was already damp from precome. Tony salivated and pumped Steve’s cock a couple more times.

Unable to control himself, Steve moved his hips towards Tony’s mouth, chasing the heat and magic that Tony’s lips now meant. Still holding him, Tony guided him inside, letting him feel everything Tony had to give him. Tony groaned as he felt pre-come running down his throat and the vibration made Steve roll his eyes. “Tony, I ...”

Tony took Steve’s cock out of his mouth with an obscene plop that gave Steve a shiver and looked at him through his lashes. “Come for me.”

“Damn it, Tony.” Steve was panting and Tony could’ve sworn he could come just hearing Steve talking like that. “Maybe another day.” Steve smiled and Tony smiled back at the prospect of another day.

“What do you have in mind?” Tony asked, still smiling, holding Steve’s cock and lazily stroking him.

“You. I want you,” Steve said looking deep into Tony’s eyes.

A delicious chill ran through Tony’s body. Was that really happening? He released Steve’s cock and, leaning on his elbows, crawled to the headboard and smiled.

“I told you: do with me whatever you want, darling.”

Steve crawled on the bed and, from the nightstand drawer, took out a condom and a tube of lube and showed them to Tony.

“You were prepared,” Tony observed with a smirk.

“Even though I’m lonely, I’m still someone cautious.” Steve shrugged and smiled.

“You’ll never be lonely again, my love,” Tony said, taking the tube of lube. He put some in one hand, and with the other he tossed the condom away. “We don’t need this,” he answered Steve’s confused look. “You’re the super soldier who doesn’t get sick. And I’m cleaner than someone who was quarantined.”

Steve shrugged as he picked up the lube. “If you say so. I trust you.”

“Ah, I say so, yes,” Tony said and, with the hand that had the lube, he held his own erection and stroked himself a few times, putting a little show to Steve, who watched him, mesmerized. Tony groaned loudly.

“Keep going,” Tony heard Steve say in a dreamy voice, followed by a delicate touch of a lube-covered finger, caressing his shaft. “It’s beautiful, Tony.” Tony groaned. Steve increased the pressure, surrounding Tony’s entrance with his finger, while Tony kept stroking himself, until, without warning, Steve broke the barrier and slowly put the whole finger inside.

Tony opened his eyes and found Steve fucking him with his finger, while, with his other hand, he stroked himself. It was almost too much. “Holy shit, Steve, you’re so hot, dammit. Ah! Put one more, please.”

Steve obeyed and carefully added another finger and started scissoring Tony’s hole, slowly, calmly, devotionally almost. Then, suddenly, he found Tony’s prostate and Tony cried out. “Yes! Oh, yes, Steve. Right there, sweetheart!” Steve massaged that spot for a few more seconds, reveling in the way Tony’s body writhed under his fingers, the pet names, the way Tony’s body glowed.

“Steve, darling?” Tony called.

“Yes, my love?”

“Come inside.”

Steve leaned over Tony and kissed him deeply while removing his fingers. Steve calmly ran his hands over Tony’s body, warm, soft, demanding, while Tony hugged him back, clinging to Steve as if that were his salvation. Steve unhurriedly held his erection and after aligning himself with Tony, he pushed in carefully.

Tony groaned loudly. “Yes, slowly now.” He looked into Steve’s eyes and tightened his arms even more around his neck. Steve stroked Tony’s face with a tenderness that completely warmed Tony. Trapped between Steve and his soft mattress, Tony felt safe, esteemed as never before. They stopped for a moment, just getting used to that connection. Tony sucked in a breath. “Okay, darling. Give me more.”

Steve pushed some more, until he was whole inside Tony, and then stopped again, because the feeling was overwhelming, indescribable, it was so incredible, and they both groaned loudly. Tony rolled his eyes and was breathless for a few moments. It was a suffocating sensation of pure contentment to feel Steve inside him. Feeling that completeness was something Tony had never even imagined possible because he never imagined himself to be so incomplete, not until that moment, when he finally found the missing part. The last piece of the puzzle. The perfect fit.

Steve rested his head on Tony’s and they shared the same air. They kissed deeply and Tony allowed himself to enjoy the electricity running through his body. Steve’s lips were warm and soft, sticking Tony to the present, reaffirming that it looked like a dream, but incredibly it was happening. His body was a fortress. That body belonged to Tony’s love. Steve _loved_ Tony.

“Move, Steve,” Tony demanded in a whisper.

Tony was spiraling, feeling like he was about to jump off a cliff, _l’appel du vide_ , blessed be the French for that useful expression, when Steve pushed deep. All his life, Tony felt chained. Now, feeling Steve’s hands on him, all over his body, taking care of him, loving him, _worshiping him_ , esteeming him as if he was something of great value that deserved all the care, Tony finally felt something that he thought wasn't possible. He felt free.

Steve moved smoothly, and soon the discomfort subsided and another sensation took its place. The best of sensations. Steve leaned over and left a trail of wet kisses from Tony’s face, down his neck, nibbling his earlobe, reaching his collarbone, sucking on the soft part of the connection with his neck and coming back, doing the reverse, while his hips met Tony’s without stopping, looking for the best rhythm, the one that would take them to paradise. By the way Tony squirmed beneath him it wouldn’t be long before it happened.

“ _Steve!_ Ah! Yeah, _that’s it!_ Don’t stop. Oh. My. God. That’s _wonderful!_ ”

Tony’s hands came to life and were on Steve’s shoulders and back, marking his smooth skin with his nails, his mouth leaving hickeys on his neck, feeling everything he could from that man to whom he had given his heart and his soul.

Steve stood up as best he could and looked at Tony, and he was beautiful, with his golden hair clinging to the sweat on his forehead by the effort of that wonder that was the coming and going he did. He smiled and Tony realized he was smiling too. “Are you going to let me take care of you?” Steve asked in a hoarse voice, broken by the thrusts of his body against Tony’s. He groaned as he pushed deep. “Are you going to let me love you?”

“I - _ah_ \- I - aaah, _that’s it,_ Steve, right _there_ , don’t stop, _yeah_ \- I’ll let you do whatever you want, my love. Just don’t stop, _please._ ” Tony was one step away from complete nonsense. Steve had found his prostate and with each push he took Tony to the stars.

Tony wrapped his legs tightly around Steve and arched his back in a desperate attempt to get him deeper, to get him to hit that wonderful spot again and again and again. Tony was out of control and Steve wasn’t much different. His pace became more frantic and his breathing more labored. Then, his hand was wrapped around Tony’s cock, trapped between the glued bodies, and with just a few strokes, Tony screamed and arched his back, giving himself entirely to Steve, coming like never before, leaving Steve’s hand covered with his cum, which Steve licked with no second thoughts, and that vision was almost enough to turn Tony on again.

Tony has never felt anything like that in his life. Of course, others had already passed through his life. Playboy fame hadn’t come out of the blue. But it had never happened before with that level of commitment, intimacy, passion, trust and, most importantly, love. It was as if in a minute Tony was on the edge of a precipice and, in the next minute, he was flying through the void in a million pieces. _L’appel du vide._ But Tony actually answered the call, without fear this time, because Steve was on the other side, waiting to hold him and take care of him.

“Come on, darling, give me what you have there. Come for me and let _me_ take care of _you._ ” Tony cupped Steve’s face and kissed him, swallowing Steve’s moan, who came right away, calling for Tony.

“I love you,” Steve said in a whisper.

Tony kissed him deeply. “I love you.”

Breathing hard, both of them came to themselves with their heads resting on each other, smiling like fools. With his heart beating at the normal pace, or as normal as possible after all that, Steve got out of Tony and lay down beside him, completely exhausted, pulling Tony into his embrace, snuggling and protecting him.

“Shouldn’t we clean up?” Tony asked, not really wanting to know, because he was amazed at the discovery of how perfectly he fit the curve of Steve’s neck, as if that place had been made for him. _As if they were the perfect half of each other,_ a more friendly little voice helped. Tony smiled.

“Tomorrow,” Steve replied in a voice that was far, almost asleep and content. “We can shower together.”

“Good idea.”

For a long time, Tony simply lay there, just feeling Steve’s body against his, his warmth, listening to his heartbeat, his steady breathing, indicating that he had fallen asleep. At some point, he started to think that maybe that could really be his life from now on. Then, with that thought warmed by Steve’s arms and love, Tony fell asleep entwined with the love of his life.

**o0o**

**CHAPTER 5**  
**Acceptance**

If they had started under the blessings of the moon, waking up bathed in the warmth of the morning sun was like receiving the seal that made it all real.

Tony opened his eyes first, not because he was the morning person there - no, that was always Steve’s role - but he was lying facing the big window that took over almost the entire right wall of the room, and the rays of the sun completely hit his face.  
Blinking a few times to adjust his vision, Tony tried to move and found himself with his legs stuck. For an instant of panic, his fighting side had already imagined that he was trapped by enemies and that plans would be needed for an escape. As he looked down, despair threatening to come up, Tony saw his legs intertwined with two others and then the memories of the previous night hit him like a cosmic punch (believe it, it is an extraordinary force). How good it was to be able to have memories to remember, even more memories as beautiful as those.

The moment of dread was gone as quickly as it had surged when Tony looked up from his legs to scan the rest of the body to which those other strong, shapely legs belonged; the athletic torso, with perfectly shaped muscles, a map that Tony had begun to unravel; flawless chest, with nipples that Tony knew to be sensitive and that, if stimulated in the right way, could elicit groans and delicious sighs to hear; powerful arms that wrapped and protected Tony, holding him around the waist; and the most beautiful, adorable face, and that was synonymous with love for Tony.

Tony pulled away as best he could to not wake Steve, propped himself up on his elbow and stood there, just admiring the calm Steve slept with, his eyes still, indicating that he wasn’t dreaming - or, worse, having nightmares - his golden hair spiky on all sides, messed up in a way that people out there would never see (and that made Tony feel a sense of possession that he had never felt before towards anyone), his mouth half open on one side, deep, relaxed breathing. He was beautiful. And he said he loved Tony. They had made love the night before. Steve had taken him in his arms with adoration and made Tony float. And Steve said he would take care of Tony, that he would make Tony understand why he thought Tony deserved to be happy. Tony laughed through his nose. Only Steve to be so optimistic and believe that Tony was someone worth fighting for.

Someone who was worthy of love.

But the way Steve hugged him, the things they said to each other, the way their hearts were opened and exposed, completely vulnerable, the way the both left all their armor outside (literally and figuratively), and allowed themselves to be just them, that couldn’t have been in vain.

With a sigh, Tony slowly untangled his legs from Steve’s legs, got up from the bed, grabbed the nearest piece of clothing - which happened to be Steve’s T-shirt -, got dressed and went into the kitchen. There, he turned on the coffee maker and, while waiting for the coffee to be ready, he realized how strange his body was, kind of sticky, kind of rigid in strange places, which usually didn’t get that way. Lifting his shirt to see what was wrong, Tony laughed not meaning to. A transparent, slightly whitish layer covered a large part of his abdomen, making it stiff and uncomfortable. _Steve promised me a shower for today._ With the coffee ready, Tony poured the boiling liquid into two mugs that he found in the cupboard over the sink, and went back to the bedroom, where Steve was still sleeping. Tony left Steve’s mug on the nightstand beside him, and went to the front of the huge window, admiring New York, already frantic. In fact, he had no idea what time it was, or whether anyone had looked for him, and to be honest with himself, Tony didn’t care. All that mattered was that bubble in which he was with Steve.

Tony took a sip of coffee and continued looking outside without really seeing. He found himself thinking about what Steve had said about that being a new start for both of them. What were the chances, after all, of both of them having gone through near-death experiences and returning to live, with all the reasons why such experiences were linked to them having almost succeeded in killing each other because they were too stupid to admit that they never hated each other, but actually that they have always loved each other? Tony laughed through his nose and took another sip of his coffee.

Suddenly, making his heart reach his mouth and return to its place, and almost dropping the mug, Tony felt an arm wrap around his waist and a mouth kiss the side of his head. “Good morning.”

“For God’s sake, Steve!” Tony screamed with a racing heart. “You scared me.”

By the reflection of the window glass, he saw Steve smiling, holding the coffee mug Tony had brought for him. “I’m sorry.”

Tony leaned his head back, resting on Steve’s shoulder. “Okay,” he sighed heavily, making a little drama. “I can live with that.”

Steve stopped with his mug in the air, halfway to his mouth, and looked at Tony through the reflection in the window glass. “Can you really?”

Tony shrugged. “Well, it won’t be overnight, of course.” He took a sip of coffee. “But, yes, why not?” Tony turned to face Steve, who was not wearing anything. The lack of modesty, no shame, Steve comfortable with Tony, just made everything clearer. Tony traced the line from Steve’s chest to his navel and smiled. “In addition, the package comes with some very interesting bonuses.”

Steve smirked. “Glad you liked it.”

“Oh, darling. Liking is an understatement that doesn’t even come close to how it felt,” Tony said, turning to admire the view from the window again. Steve laughed and it was wonderful. They were them again.

“A penny for your thoughts,” Steve said after taking a sip from his coffee.

Tony laughed, drank some of his coffee, and looked at Steve through the reflection in the window. “I need a shower.” He tilted his neck back to try to see Steve's face, who was looking down at him with a sly smile. “Actually, we need a shower. You promised me one when we woke up. Well, we’re awake.”

“Are you sure?” Steve laughed.

“Steve, we’re sticky and I have a layer of cum on me. As exciting and sexy as that may sound,” Tony turned and faced Steve. “Right now, the prospect of taking a shower with you and seeing how all of this here goes.” Tony pointed to Steve's gloriously naked body “With the water running over it is much, much more interesting. Besides, we need it a lot, darling. We’re disgusting like that.”

“I was just kidding, silly.” Steve kissed the top of Tony's head. “Yes, I promised you a shower, and we’re going to take that shower, don’t worry. But can we finish our coffees first?” Steve pouted.

Tony narrowed his eyes. “You’re a menace, did you know that?”

Steve laughed, but soon later they were silent again. They stayed there like that for a while, just enjoying the coffee, the view and the proximity of each other. For Steve, happiness would have that image as a definition when he looked in the dictionary, with Tony still sleepy, but with his fast and acid humor as always, flirty like never before, because now Steve knew it was all true, with no layers, no doubts, with his soft and warm body glued to Steve’s, allowing Steve to love him and show him how Tony was essential.

It was nice, comfortable, domestic, and it warmed Tony up in much more efficient ways than anything he had ever experienced. He couldn’t help thinking that he wanted to keep having it, having Steve waking up next to him, waking up next to Steve, every day. Tony just knew he needed it, needed to know that Steve would come home with him, that they’d both tell about their stressful days, that they’d help each other, that they’d ask for food, that they’d watch stupid comedies together, that they’d try to have sex on the couch , but they’d end up sleeping because the life of world’s saviors was not a wonder, but, when sex happened, wow, it’d be the best of all. Tony wanted that. Needed.

And he wanted to be all that for Steve.

He wanted to be the one that Steve would return to, the one that Steve would spend the day thinking about returning to, because Tony would be the one who’d make all the weight go off his back and make him smile when he arrived. Tony wanted to be everything Steve needed and he wanted to be the one Steve could always count on, to be the safe haven Steve had always been for him. Tony could be all that, right? Even without memory, even if he was full of flaws, even though he knew he’d never reach Steve’s perfection, he could still be there for Steve, right?

“You’re screaming,” Steve said, taking Tony out of his daydreams.

Tony blinked and looked at him. “But I didn’t say anything.”

“You’re thinking too loud, Tony.” Steve smiled warmly and ran his finger between Tony’s eyes, undoing a frown of concern that Tony hadn’t even realized had formed. “You’re worrying about things that don’t need a formula or preparation in advance. You don’t have to be the futurist now. Let things happen, Shellhead.” Steve grinned. “Remember what I told you yesterday?”

A hot, delicious shiver ran through Tony’s body. “You’ll have to be more specific.”

Steve’s smile grew. “It’s just you and me here.” Steve put a hand behind Tony’s neck, and began to massage the sudden knots. Tony closed his eyes and groaned softly. That was wonderful. “Stop thinking and focus on just the two of us.” Did Steve’s voice seem more distant or was it an impression?

Steve slowly brought Tony close to him and kissed him. Tony could taste the coffee on his tongue and the hand that wasn’t holding the coffee mug flew to Steve’s hair, grabbing it and pinning him in place. Steve groaned and the sound reverberated throughout Tony’s body.

Sometime later, Steve quickly walked away to catch his breath and he smiled. “What’s it?” Tony asked, all disheveled and out of breath.

“You look beautiful in my shirt,” Steve looked Tony up and down, warming up Tony’s entire body in the process. Tony already felt that his boiling point was close. He shrugged, pretending nonchalance. “It was the first thing I found thrown around the room. I thought you wouldn’t mind if I borrowed it.”

“Take what you want,” Steve said, holding the hem of his shirt. “It’s all yours.”

Tony didn’t know if Steve was simply referring to his wardrobe. It seemed to be much more than just “you can borrow my clothes whenever you want”. It seemed deeper and more meaningful.

“Talk to me, Tony.” Steve’s voice was low, almost a whisper, and he looked Tony in the eye now.

 _Talk?_ Tony laughed mentally. He had millions of things he wanted to shout for the world to hear, but he just couldn’t find the right words. He wanted to be able to rip his heart out of his chest and show it to Steve. It would be more effective, mistake and misinterpretation proof, of lack of words good enough.

Tony felt himself making a face. “I don’t really know where to start.”

“Start where you think it’s easier,” Steve said, bending down to pick up his own underwear, lying on the floor nearby, and putting it on.

“Okay. Easier, huh?” Tony repeated and took a deep breath. “Well, I still think I don’t deserve you,” Tony looked quickly at Steve, but looked away. He wouldn’t be able to finish if he kept getting lost in those blue eyes. “I still think you can find something better and that you’ll regret having me around more than necessary.”

Steve snorted. “Tony-”

Tony held up the hand that didn’t hold the coffee mug. “Let me finish.” Steve closed his mouth and waited. “But I also really thought about what you said to me yesterday. About everything you said to me yesterday. And I can’t even think that you were lying. You don’t lie, Steve,” Tony struggled with the words. Those had to be the right words, because that was the most important moment. More important than the conversation the night before, than the moans of pleasure, more important than everything, because from then on, everything would change, for better or for worse. “You _wouldn’t lie_ about something that big.”

“Never.” Steve shook his head.

Tony smiled sheepishly. “See? But I still have all those flaws, I still don’t have my memories. I don’t remember when we last talked before, well, the day before yesterday. I can’t remember what I felt when I last saw you. And to think I let you ...” Tony swallowed. “And to think that I let you die thinking that I hated you, that all that mattered was winning that damn war, it eats at me every single day since I woke up.”

Steve held up his hand and stopped an insolent tear from running down Tony’s face. With the same hand, he grabbed Tony’s chin and lifted it gently, as if Tony were something precious that could break at the slightest touch. Steve took the coffee mug from Tony’s hand, bent down, and placed it on the floor, along with his own. When he got back to Tony’s height, Steve took his hands and smiled without showing his teeth.

“Tony, look at me.” Tony took a deep breath and did what Steve asked, meeting eyes so full of love that he thought he could drown. “Now, pay close attention to what I’m going to say to you, and please don’t be mad at me later, okay?”

Tony frowned, not understanding why he would be mad at Steve, but nodded. “Okay.”

“Remember when you called me an old man?” Steve asked and Tony nodded slowly, still not understanding. “We were always like this, I was the old man, stuck in the past, and you were always the futurist, thinking about how to make everyone’s life easier for when tomorrow comes.”

“Steve, I’m not getting,” Tony said with a groan.

“What I mean is that we switched places.”

“What?” Tony’s voice got higher. He was shocked.

“Now _you_ are the one who’s stuck in the past, preventing yourself from moving forward because you can’t remember what happened, punishing yourself for an unprecedented sacrifice that you were able to make to protect your friends,” Steve released one hand from Tony to hold his face. “And I’m here, telling you that I was stuck in my space-time, reliving the past that I’ve always missed, the past that I’ve always longed to have back, but that I realized that my place, that my home, it’s here, with you, in the present. It’s me now who’s telling you to live in the moment and allow yourself to move on. Let’s build new memories, my love,” Steve smile was beautiful and wide, his eyes shining with anticipation.

Tony’s brain was in trouble. Almost a total collapse. He, the self-proclaimed futurist, the one who was always prepared for any situation, the one who foresaw the Registration Act, who foresaw the Civil War, was now a man stuck in what he once was, wishing to have memories of the past, instead of continuing yearning for the future. How did that happen? When did Steve become the person who thinks about today, who is optimistic about the future, instead of mourning what he might have had if he still lived in the 1940s? When had _Tony_ become that person?

When did listening to Steve calling him my love become so natural and with the power to ignite Tony’s soul?

Tony looked deep into Steve’s eyes and he felt his eyes wide with panic. “You’re right. My goodness, you’re right. I’m the man stuck in the past. I ...” Steve raised his eyebrows and waited. “I became you,” Tony said in a choked whisper.

Steve laughed. “Who would know, right?”

“Help me get back to being myself,” Tony asked, grabbing Steve’s arms tightly. “Steve, please, help me.”

“Come here.” Steve pulled Tony into a hug. “I help you with what you need, my love. I love you, remember?”

“I still don’t know how that’s possible,” Tony’s voice came muffled from where he was with his face hidden in Steve’s neck.

“I’m going to show you,” Steve stroked Tony’s hair. “Every day, until the end, I will prove to you how much I love you and how much you deserve all the happiness.”

“I love you, Winghead,” Tony said, still hiding.

Steve kissed the top of his head. “I love you, too, Shellhead.”

Steve held Tony in his arms for what seemed like forever, but Tony didn’t care. He was getting drunk on Steve’s scent, concentrated and potent, awakening Tony’s most incredible feelings of love - and possession, too. Steve loved him. Until the end. They were now each other’s, forever, to support, help, care for, to love. Tony tightened his arms around Steve’s waist.

“What about now?” Tony asked.

“Now what?” Steve asked.

“What happens now? What happens when we decide to leave here and face the world outside?” Tony turned his face away and listened to Steve’s heartbeat, amazed at the perfection with which he fit every curve of Steve’s body, ecstatic that they were halves of each other.

Steve considered the question and said nothing for a while. Finally, he let out a resigned sigh. “I don’t know.” He stopped for a moment. “Do we really need to leave?”  


Tony pulled away enough to look at him. Steve was frowning, thinking. Tony laughed. “Why, Steve Rogers afraid to face the world outside?” Steve pouted. Tony laughed out loud and poked Steve in the chest. “Who are you and what have you done with my Steve?”

Steve changed on the spot. A smile broke across his face, his expression softened and he raised an eyebrow. “ _Your_ Steve?”

Tony felt his face heat up, but he didn’t change the subject. In fact, he accepted the challenge, lifting his chin and assuming his best stubborn expression. “Yes, sir. _Mine_ and nobody else’s.” And to prove his point, Tony slid his hand down Steve’s back and squeezed one of his cheeks.

Steve opened his eyes wide and smirked. “I can’t disagree with such convincing arguments.”

Tony shrugged, as if it was nothing, but inside, his heart was racing and everything else had turned to jelly. “I can be very persuasive.”

“Yes, you can,” Steve came over and kissed him, because he simply could. Tony responded with enthusiasm, squeezing Steve’s cheeks and enjoying the moans that made his whole body vibrate. Steve pulled away to take a breath and ran the side of Tony’s neck slowly with wet kisses, ending with a hickey where the neck and collarbone met. Tony sighed loudly and tightened his arms around Steve, running his fingers down his back, pressing his body against Steve’s, trying to reach any piece of skin he could get with his mouth, because he needed to taste Steve.

He needed Steve.

Forcing his legs to move, Tony turned towards the bed behind them, with Steve still in his arms, and guided him there. One, two, three steps and they stopped. Tony disengaged himself from Steve’s arms and mouth enough to push him toward the mattress. Steve fell on his back, offering no resistance, and crawled on his elbows until he reached the head of the bed, where he leaned, laughing.

“What are you planning, Tony?”

Tony climbed on the bed, crawling between Steve’s legs, without looking away. “I’m not planning anything, darling,” Tony rested his hands on either side of Steve, trapping him between Tony and the mattress, and stole a kiss. As Tony walked away, he sat on Steve’s lap, hugging him with his legs. “I’m just living the two of us.” Tony twined his fingers in Steve’s hair and pulled his head back, exposing his neck, to where Tony hurriedly bent down to lick from base to ear, feeling the skin crawl, coming back the same way with kisses and bites, getting more and more courageous with Steve’s loudest moans.

Steve’s hands came to life and hugged Tony around the waist, but soon they went through everything they managed to reach, until he reached the hem of his own shirt that Tony was wearing and pulled it up, leaving Tony gloriously naked, but now under a completely new and hypnotic light. Steve slowed his own movements and Tony imitated him, until they were with their heads resting on each other, breathing hard, unable to look away from each other.

Steve pushed Tony away and left him sitting on his lap for an instant, long enough for the sunlight coming in through the window to bathe Tony’s entire body, creating shadows on Tony’s angular and turned muscles, which the armor always hid, but that, oh yes, were there, waiting for Steve, all that time.

“What?” Tony asked, his voice still cracked from breathlessness.

It took Steve a few moments to look away from Tony’s perfection to look him in the eye, two pieces of the blue sky of the most perfect summer day, bright, smart, intelligent, scathing, quick, analytical, benevolent and able to express so much love. Tony was incredible, the owner of all the best adjectives that the languages that Steve knew had. He finally focused on the present.

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I could draw you now, just like that.” Steve stroked Tony’s face and let his hand go down his arm, until he reached Tony’s hand, which he held, brought to his lips and kissed with adoration. “But I would never be able to put on paper all your nuances, all your complexity, all your beauty, all your perfection, Tony. Nothing I try to do will do you justice.”

Tony held Steve’s face in his hands. “What did I do to make you love me so much?”

Steve smiled beautifully. “You loved me back.”

And there, Tony had no more doubts.

He had always loved Steve. Even when he thought he didn’t, even when he thought he had gotten over it, even when he thought he hated Steve, even when he was with other people trying to deceive himself. All that time he loved Steve more than anything. All that time he wanted Steve by his side and he wanted to be by Steve’s side. During all those moments when he told himself that feeling was a lie, all he wanted most was to be where he was now, in Steve’s arms, opening his heart, being loved back, no longer needing to hide, being able to be himself. He can be powerful with Steve, he can be whatever he wanted, because Steve would always be there to support him, to be the voice of reason when Tony exaggerated; to go with Tony, even when it was dangerous, because that’s what Steve did: he was always with Tony, side by side.

“Tony?”

Tony blinked, returning to the present, finding Steve looking at him expectantly and with an amused look. “Sorry, I was just, well, you know, thinking.”

“Let me get in there.” Steve touched Tony’s forehead with his finger.

Tony smiled. “We’re really going to do this, aren’t we?”

“Yes, we are.” Steve clasped his hands on Tony’s waist, restating his words.

“Very well,” Tony said, settling on Steve’s lap, so that his legs wouldn’t go numb, he took a deep breath and let his hands slide from Steve’s face to his chest and rest there. “And we just postponed our bath, is that what I’m seeing here?” Tony pretended disapproval.

Steve shrugged. “You’re the one to blame here, babe. It was you who brought me back to the bed and held me here.”

“Oh, my God, that’s why no one can win an argument with you. Look at that beautiful face. How do you do it?”

“This is a private service, Mr. Stark. For you only.” Steve smiled. “So, would you mind letting me in here?” Steve touched Tony’s forehead with his finger again.

Tony sighed. “You know, Steve, my whole life has been very lonely. I was always very careful that no one noticed, so that what people knew about me was the image of the carefree billionaire playboy, who, after a moment of clarity, decided to use his spare time and money to be a superhero, inside a shining armor.”

“You’re not that person, Tony,” Steve said with a frown.

Tony laughed through his nose. “Yeah, maybe. But this is what I want people out there to know about me. It’s worked very well. They continue to believe. But the truth?” Steve nodded in agreement. Tony smiled. “The truth is that I was always just a guy, alone, walking along a long and lonely road. I’ve walked fast, I’ve been very slow. I reached the rock bottom of my life and came back bigger than the world ever thought to see me. I’ve given up hope and I’ve been bright light. Because, deep down, I always thought that, in the end, everything would always be the same, that everything would end the same.”

“How?” Steve asked quietly.

“With me alone.”

“Tony ...”

“No, let me finish.” Tony put a finger to Steve’s mouth gently, silencing him. Steve nodded slightly and Tony smiled without showing his teeth. This was important to him. He wasn’t sure how to get there, but he knew where he wanted to end now that he started. “I always accepted that this would be my path, my lifestyle so to speak. But it wasn’t too bad, after all, I had friends, I had casual dates here and there, defeated villains every other day, and I always had you by my side, even when I never imagined I could have my feelings matched by yours. Life was relatively easy,” Tony ran his fingers through Steve’s hair, who closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation.

“But something has changed,” Steve said, still with his eyes closed.

“Yeah, something has changed, yes,” Tony said, his voice distracted, as he watched his fingers fade and appear through the golden strands of Steve’s hair.

“And what’s it?”

“Curious, darling?”

“You’re a great storyteller.” Steve shrugged, trying to sound casual.

“Well, what changed was that you and I had a fight, I forgot everything, I almost died, and then I found out that you had died,” Tony said without stopping stroking Steve’s hair, but Steve opened his eyes, focusing on Tony’s. “At that moment, when I heard the news, I lost all hope, Steve. Outside I was impassive, telling everyone that I didn’t regret anything, that I would do it all over again if needed, but as soon as I came home at the end of the day, I would curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep, thinking that I would never see you again.”

“Ah, my love.” Steve stroked Tony’s face. “I’m here now.”

“And the universe knows how happy and relieved I am to be here witnessing this,” Tony said. “But before, I could only think that you were gone forever and that all I wanted to do was hug you. All I wanted to do was do what I never had the courage to do before. Ironic, isn’t it?” Tony gave a sad smile. “I went back to drinking. Less than before, not to the point of getting drunk, but enough to be able to imagine your voice scolding me. Everything to get you back, even for a few seconds.”

Tony had never told anyone that, but since he and Steve were there, since they were planning to start over, nothing could be fairer than having no secrets between them. Not even one that big.

“Tony, I-I don’t know what to say,” Steve sobbed. His expression was transfigured in pain and guilt. “I should’ve managed to let you know that I was okay.”

“Shhh, it’s not your fault, Steve,” Tony smiled. “I needed to understand my grief. That was my mechanism. I stopped as soon as your imaginary voice told me it was disappointed,” Tony shook his head and laughed, remembering the moment. He looked back at Steve when he recovered. “But seriously, all those moments, all those nights, and then all those days, drinking to try to reach you, even if in an imaginary way, all that time going in the direction of my worst version, I should’ve realized right away that everything I was doing was simply because I needed you. But I was too numb to understand my own emotions.”

“I’m sorry, Tony.” And Tony knew that Steve was telling the truth in each of those words. So, he came over and kissed him slowly, to show how much Steve’s truth meant to him. As Tony stepped back, he took a deep breath because he wasn’t done yet. He needed Steve to hear everything.

“I know. And knowing how much you know me takes my breath away, because nobody else knows me like you. Maybe not even myself.” Tony looked at New York framed by the huge window, the sun was almost overhead, and sighed. “You know, looking outside, waking up here with you this morning, it made me realize with more force than ever that, as much as I want to, there is no escape from the horrible things I did, the lies I told, the people I manipulated. And I can’t even recover everything I lost,” Tony sighed heavily, but kept looking at the light outside, letting it come in, illuminating every corner that was still in darkness. “But I also realized how right what we did here is. And that I’m having a chance to recover something that I missed. Only one, but the most important,” Tony looked back into Steve’s eyes, shining, focused on Tony, looking forward to what would come next. Tony held Steve’s face in his hands. “You, Steve. Because I finally realized that, all this time, I just needed you.”

Steve smiled the brightest of smiles and kissed Tony with all his passion and with all the happiness that those words had multiplied within him. Tony was the love of his life, his reason, his root in this crazy world since Steve had left that block of ice. Apparently confusing love with hate was quite easy when nobody says anything, when neither side takes the initiative to take the first step. It took the two of them to get lost in order to finally have the courage to seek and find each other.

“I love you so much,” Steve said when he pulled away.

Tony smiled back and it was glorious to see how genuine that smile was, reaching his eyes, making them shine and wrinkle at the sides. Steve’s heart was filled with affection and a need above all others to defend Tony from anything that could harm him and get that smile off his face. He was even more beautiful when he smiled like that. And Steve decided that he would make Tony smile like that every day, because that was what Tony deserved. Steve would make him happy and loved.

“Looking at you sleeping here in this bed,” Tony continued. “The calmness of our bubble while the city was already frantic, our conversation last night, all of this brought me here, when I had this epiphany,” Tony gestured with his hands and ended with open arms, indicating himself.

“Did you have an epiphany here this morning?” Steve asked, his voice full of curiosity.

“I did.”

“And what was it?”

“That I don’t have to lie anymore, that all that weight on my back can finally go. Because I know which path I must take and how I will be on it.”

“And what path is that?”

“The two of us, together,” Tony kissed Steve. “And I will never feel lonely again, because you will be there, walking this path with me, beside me, won’t you?”

“I will, don’t doubt that, not even for a second,” Steve stroked Tony’s face and left his hand there, stroking the hair on the back of Tony’s neck, who bent his head to kiss Steve’s bare wrist. “You are the reason I came back, because _you_ are my home, my safe haven. My best friend. You are the love of my life, Tony Stark. It’s with you that I want a new beginning that will last forever.”

“I love you, Steve Rogers,” Tony ran his fingers through Steve’s hair again. “It’ll be wonderful to share my path from here to infinity with you.”

After that, there was no room for many other words, with mouths occupied on each other and everywhere where there was exposed skin. They had a lot of time lost to make up, many wounds to heal, but the prospect of a new, bright and optimistic future, full of possibilities only served to warm hearts even more, to bubble blood and increase the volume of moans and sighs. Tony was afraid that all of New York would hear him scream Steve’s name, but in the end, he didn’t care. Let everyone know who he belonged to, to whom Steve dedicated his love. They were each other’s and Tony wanted everyone to know.

Steve Rogers was back.

And Tony Stark was at his side.

Because they loved each other. And may the whole world know about it.

**o0o**

**Author's Note:**

> That's it. Even in a messy year like this one, I tried to find a happy ending.
> 
> I hope you guys can do it, too.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are always welcomed with love!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Art for Evidence](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27809524) by [jayjayverse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jayjayverse/pseuds/jayjayverse)




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